I don't mind pointing out some of the failings of old age, because we are all headed in that direction, unless of course we take our own lives before we become a burden. I'm not advocating suicide, oh wait, I guess I am.
Amy Sedaris
Related I don't know if I have a favorite color. KATE MIDDLETON It's very special having a new little girl. KATE MIDDLETON Air is approximately 21% oxygen, our brains feed off of oxygen. So basically we are all airheads. ANDONI GARCIA Inspired By Beauty In Creation We Are One DANIEL GILMAN The words you can’t find, you borrow. We read to know we’re not alone. We read because w... GABRIELLE ZEVIN If we all look at life we think how nice, then we look at death and everybody goes oh you can say th... GARY F EVANS... It's all to do with the training: you can do a lot if you're properly trained. QUEEN ELIZABETH II Like all best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and... QUEEN ELIZABETH II My husband has quite simply been my strength and stay all these years, and I owe him a debt greater ... QUEEN ELIZABETH II It is easy enough to define what the Commonwealth is not. Indeed this is quite a popular pastime. QUEEN ELIZABETH II I have to be seen to be believed. QUEEN ELIZABETH II I have in sincerity pledged myself to your service, as so many of you are pledged to mine. Throughou... QUEEN ELIZABETH II I hope that tomorrow we can all, wherever we are, join in expressing our grief at Diana's loss, ... QUEEN ELIZABETH II I myself prefer my New Zealand eggs for breakfast. QUEEN ELIZABETH II The British constitution has always been puzzling and always will be. QUEEN ELIZABETH II I have behind me not only the splendid traditions and the annals of more than a thousand years but t... QUEEN ELIZABETH II To what greater inspiration and counsel can we turn than to the imperishable truth to be found in th... QUEEN ELIZABETH II What were once only hopes for the future have now come to pass; it is almost exactly 13 years since ... QUEEN ELIZABETH II First, I want to pay tribute to Diana myself. She was an exceptional and gifted human being. In good... QUEEN ELIZABETH II I cannot lead you into battle. I do not give you laws or administer justice but I can do something e... QUEEN ELIZABETH II To all those who have suffered as a consequence of our troubled past I extend my sincere thoughts an... QUEEN ELIZABETH II Grief is the price we pay for love. QUEEN ELIZABETH II The upward course of a nation's history is due in the long run to the soundness of heart of its ... QUEEN ELIZABETH II At its heart, engineering is about using science to find creative, practical solutions. It is a nobl... QUEEN ELIZABETH II At Christmas, I am always struck by how the spirit of togetherness lies also at the heart of the Chr... QUEEN ELIZABETH II For many, Christmas is also a time for coming together. But for others, service will come first. QUEEN ELIZABETH II The lessons from the peace process are clear; whatever life throws at us, our individual responses w... QUEEN ELIZABETH II I declare before you all that my whole life, whether it be long or short, shall be devoted to your s... QUEEN ELIZABETH II Therefore I am sure that this, my Coronation, is not the symbol of a power and a splendor that are g... QUEEN ELIZABETH II We lost the American colonies because we lacked the statesmanship to know the right time and the man... QUEEN ELIZABETH II Madam President, speaking here in Dublin Castle it is impossible to ignore the weight of history, as... QUEEN ELIZABETH II These wretched babies don't come until they are ready. QUEEN ELIZABETH II I know of no single formula for success. But over the years I have observed that some attributes of ... QUEEN ELIZABETH II The events that I have attended to mark my Diamond Jubilee have been a humbling experience. It has t... QUEEN ELIZABETH II In remembering the appalling suffering of war on both sides, we recognise how precious is the peace ... QUEEN ELIZABETH II Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters... QUEEN ELIZABETH II No one who knew Diana will ever forget her. Millions of others who never met her, but felt they knew... QUEEN ELIZABETH II I have been aware all the time that my peoples, spread far and wide throughout every continent and o... QUEEN ELIZABETH II Aliens have been here for millennium. But they didn't come in spaceships. They came in orange s... ANTHONY T. HINCKS Every little gracious act adds to the quotient of grace in the world - how gracious can you be today... ANGIE KARAN We dream that we're all different. The reality is that we're all not. ANTHONY T. HINCKS We'll sort of get over the marriage first and then maybe look at the kids. But obviously we want... PRINCE WILLIAM Family is the most important thing in the world. PRINCESS DIANA You philosophers are lucky men. You write on paper and paper is patient. Unfortunate Empress that I ... CATHERINE THE GREAT With the right help, children have a good chance of overcoming their issues while they are still you... KATE MIDDLETON As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend. KING SOLOMON I don't mind a big fascinator. I think there is more scope for artwork in a fascinator rather th... ZARA PHILLIPS I was always told from the hat-makers that you should have your hair up because it shows the hat mor... ZARA PHILLIPS I don't think I'll still be riding at 40. There are a couple of people who are still riding ... ZARA PHILLIPS My dad's not a big talker. ZARA PHILLIPS My dad can be pretty critical sometimes. ZARA PHILLIPS I'd love to have kids, but not at the moment. ZARA PHILLIPS You cannot make horses 'safe.' ZARA PHILLIPS Virtually everything that gets printed about me is wrong anyway, so it doesn't really matter wha... ZARA PHILLIPS It's stupid to say that I don't like being in the public eye, but I don't like doing stu... ZARA PHILLIPS I'm an affectionate person. ZARA PHILLIPS People still text me to say that there is something about me in the paper, and what really annoys me... ZARA PHILLIPS Sometimes people will come up in the street and say: 'My daughter loves you, will you sign an au... ZARA PHILLIPS Taking part in an Olympics on home ground is something you dream about. ZARA PHILLIPS My brother and I have been able to get on and have been very lucky to do things with our family that... ZARA PHILLIPS I don't think about the media. ZARA PHILLIPS I love the sport and being competitive. ZARA PHILLIPS The horses are all characters, all personalities. Some you get along with, some you don't, some ... ZARA PHILLIPS I hate having my picture taken. ZARA PHILLIPS Unfortunately in sport it's either good or bad. You've got to take the highs and the lows. ZARA PHILLIPS My mother is massively into sailing, so we always had Musto clothes, and it went on from there, real... ZARA PHILLIPS The senior members of the royal family work very hard and I don't think people quite realise tha... ZARA PHILLIPS In our sport you're very lucky to find a horse of a lifetime and I found mine relatively early. ... ZARA PHILLIPS I don't have a stylist, and I do most of my shopping online, just because it's easier. I don... ZARA PHILLIPS I think Facebook's dangerous. So many people I know get into trouble with Facebook... I'd ra... ZARA PHILLIPS I'm not a princess anyway so I find that quite weird to be labelled as one. ZARA PHILLIPS Smoking is hateful to the nose, harmful to the brain, and dangerous to the lungs. KING JAMES I My dear mamma is quite right when she says that we must lay down principles and not depart from them... MARIE ANTOINETTE I never make a trip to the United States without visiting a supermarket. To me they are more fascina... WALLIS SIMPSON PS: It's all gossip about the prince. I'm not in the habit of taking my girlfriends' bea... WALLIS SIMPSON I am so anxious for you not to abdicate and I think the fact that you do is going to put me in the w... WALLIS SIMPSON I hate this place. I shall hate it to my grave. WALLIS SIMPSON I look a hundred and weigh 110 - you won't love me when you see the wreck England has made me. WALLIS SIMPSON A woman's life can really be a succession of lives, each revolving around some emotionally compe... WALLIS SIMPSON Never explain, never complain. WALLIS SIMPSON You have no idea how hard it is to live out a great romance. WALLIS SIMPSON I have always had the courage for the new things that life sometimes offers. WALLIS SIMPSON For a gallant spirit there can never be defeat. WALLIS SIMPSON Forgive me for not writing but this man is exhausting. WALLIS SIMPSON You can never be too rich or too thin. WALLIS SIMPSON A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. KING SOLOMON It seems to me that man is made to act rather than to know: the principles of things escape our most... FREDERICK THE GREAT Addiction is a hugely complex and destructive disease, and its impact can be simply devastating. All... KATE MIDDLETON There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. MARIE ANTOINETTE I have seen all, I have heard all, I have forgotten all. MARIE ANTOINETTE I think change needs to be egoless. It's not about my leaving my fingerprints or a legacy. It... QUEEN RANIA OF JORDAN We are not interested in the possibilities of defeat. They do not exist. QUEEN VICTORIA I can make a lord, but only God can make a gentleman. KING JAMES I I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men, and German to my horse. CHARLES V I feel very, very lucky that George has got a little sister. KATE MIDDLETON It would be doing me great injustice to think that I have any feeling of indifference to my country;... MARIE ANTOINETTE I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. AUGUSTUS A crown is merely a hat that lets the rain in. FREDERICK THE GREAT Nothing is more useless in developing a nation's economy than a gun, and nothing blocks the road... HUSSEIN OF JORDAN It is necessary to try to pass one's self always; this occupation ought to last as long as life. QUEEN CHRISTINA
More Amy Sedaris
Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his ... AMY SEDARIS Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were ... AMY SEDARIS I always liked my teachers, and I was in a lot of after-school projects. I was a Girl Scout until my... AMY SEDARIS My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper. AMY SEDARIS I never really take shortcuts. I was always one of those people who, instead of cutting across someo... AMY SEDARIS You think in a different way when you don't have any money. The joy of poverty is that you use y... AMY SEDARIS I'm very domestic; I love cleaning. I love cooking. I like waiting on people. I just like to mak... AMY SEDARIS I'm not a good storyteller. I always think I'm going to get interrupted, or something's ... AMY SEDARIS People who shop in health food stores never look healthy. AMY SEDARIS I wouldn't call myself a shut-in. 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DAVID SEDARIS When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy. DAVID SEDARIS If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever. DAVID SEDARIS People in trailers were canned and labeled much like the apple juice down at the plant, stamped with... DAVID SEDARIS There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows. DAVID SEDARIS I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwi... DAVID SEDARIS The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections o... DAVID SEDARIS The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-y... DAVID SEDARIS My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard o... DAVID SEDARIS Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise. DAVID SEDARIS I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter... DAVID SEDARIS It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will... DAVID SEDARIS After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where... DAVID SEDARIS To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news. DAVID SEDARIS Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to ... DAVID SEDARIS I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a ... DAVID SEDARIS What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny. DAVID SEDARIS People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive i... DAVID SEDARIS No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try. DAVID SEDARIS Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people a... DAVID SEDARIS After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I d... DAVID SEDARIS For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but... DAVID SEDARIS At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would ... DAVID SEDARIS I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but I still keep a long list of prospective candi... DAVID SEDARIS As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners. DAVID SEDARIS People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that t... DAVID SEDARIS I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it... DAVID SEDARIS But most good movies have a gun in them. DAVID SEDARIS They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too genero... DAVID SEDARIS I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorist... DAVID SEDARIS But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter. DAVID SEDARIS Maybe I'll learn a trade. I've considered taxidermy. I always thought it was a shame you couldn't do... DAVID SEDARIS I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospecti... DAVID SEDARIS I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodr... DAVID SEDARIS I've become like one of those people I hate, the sort who go to the museum and, instead of looking a... DAVID SEDARIS If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you... DAVID SEDARIS There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus “Leave me the fuck alone” comes o... DAVID SEDARIS A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more ... DAVID SEDARIS Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering ... DAVID SEDARIS You're the man now,' she said to me after my father died, 'you're the man.' Then she turned to Popey... DAVID SEDARIS On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot... DAVID SEDARIS It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking. DAVID SEDARIS States vote to take away my marriage rights, and even though I don't want to get married, it tends t... DAVID SEDARIS I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed. DAVID SEDARIS When a hurricane damaged my father's house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers o... DAVID SEDARIS It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of... DAVID SEDARIS Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on th... DAVID SEDARIS Seven beers followed by two Scotches and a thimble of marijuana and it's funny how sleep comes all o... DAVID SEDARIS I'm just a big liar. DAVID SEDARIS On Undecided Voters: "To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The f... DAVID SEDARIS It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my ... DAVID SEDARIS I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter o... DAVID SEDARIS In Paris the cashiers sit rather than stand. They run your goods over a scanner, tally up the price,... DAVID SEDARIS Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt... DAVID SEDARIS I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people... DAVID SEDARIS He took a sip of my father’s weak coffee and spit it back into the mug. "This shit’s like making... DAVID SEDARIS Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar wit... DAVID SEDARIS Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in m... DAVID SEDARIS Like any normal fifth grader, I preferred my villains to be evil and stay that way, to act like Drac... DAVID SEDARIS Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and... DAVID SEDARIS Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on th... DAVID SEDARIS Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—... DAVID SEDARIS I asked her, dreamily, if we had met, and when she told me that we had not, I gave her a little fing... DAVID SEDARIS Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage. DAVID SEDARIS I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candi... DAVID SEDARIS If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary. DAVID SEDARIS … [I] recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve... DAVID SEDARIS One thing about English-language bookstores in the age of Amazon is that it assumes that everybody h... DAVID SEDARIS When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out. DAVID SEDARIS Shit is the tofu of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the speaker desires. Hot as shi... DAVID SEDARIS the lower bunks, both of us longing to be pinned. “You kids think you invented sex,” my mother w... DAVID SEDARIS Someone in our family had taken to wiping his or her ass on the bath towels. What made this exceptio... DAVID SEDARIS The whole notion of the nursing home was something dreamed up by people like my mother; American wom... DAVID SEDARIS The thing to remeber is that more than anything in this world, these colored people wish they were w... DAVID SEDARIS the beauty of an art school: as long as you can pay the tuition, they will never, even in the gentle... DAVID SEDARIS The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing some... DAVID SEDARIS You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholi... DAVID SEDARIS What are you, tap dancing up there? You want a put on a show, do you? Well, the theater's closed for... DAVID SEDARIS You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, j... DAVID SEDARIS My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for _who_ I am. Concentrate too hard... DAVID SEDARIS They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of... DAVID SEDARIS Motherfucker, you haven't got the fucking balls God gave a goddamned church mouse. You crawled out o... DAVID SEDARIS Watching him was like opening the door to a siniging telegram; you know it's supposed to be entertai... DAVID SEDARIS He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us! DAVID SEDARIS Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where ... DAVID SEDARIS We give anonymously because the sackfuls of thank-you letters break our hearts with their clumsy han... DAVID SEDARIS If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit... DAVID SEDARIS Motherfucker, you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and give you some... 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DAVID SEDARIS Shit is the tofu of cursing. DAVID SEDARIS I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective c... DAVID SEDARIS Why refer to Lady Crack Pipe or Good Sir Dishrag when these things could never live up to all that t... DAVID SEDARIS When her muzzle grew more white than brown, the chipmunk forgot that she and the squirrel had had no... DAVID SEDARIS If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven... DAVID SEDARIS The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as lo... DAVID SEDARIS Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto. DAVID SEDARIS That man tried to picka my frienda’s pocketoni! DAVID SEDARIS They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should... DAVID SEDARIS All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is sa... DAVID SEDARIS He's as nutty as a vegan T-bone. DAVID SEDARIS