I don't mind pointing out some of the failings of old age, because we are all headed in that direction, unless of course we take our own lives before we become a burden. I'm not advocating suicide, oh wait, I guess I am.


Amy Sedaris

  Email Quote to Friends   Link to Quote   Create Short URL  Publish Text About This Quote   Share on Facebook, Twitter, and more
  See Recommended Quotes For You

Related

I don't know if I have a favorite color.
KATE MIDDLETON
It's very special having a new little girl.
KATE MIDDLETON
Air is approximately 21% oxygen, our brains feed off of oxygen. So basically we are all airheads.
ANDONI GARCIA
Inspired By Beauty In Creation We Are One
DANIEL GILMAN
The words you can’t find, you borrow.
We read to know we’re not alone. We read because w...
GABRIELLE ZEVIN
If we all look at life we think how nice, then we look at death and everybody goes oh you can say th...
GARY F EVANS...
It's all to do with the training: you can do a lot if you're properly trained.
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
Like all best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
My husband has quite simply been my strength and stay all these years, and I owe him a debt greater ...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
It is easy enough to define what the Commonwealth is not. Indeed this is quite a popular pastime.
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
I have to be seen to be believed.
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
I have in sincerity pledged myself to your service, as so many of you are pledged to mine. Throughou...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
I hope that tomorrow we can all, wherever we are, join in expressing our grief at Diana's loss, ...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
I myself prefer my New Zealand eggs for breakfast.
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
The British constitution has always been puzzling and always will be.
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
I have behind me not only the splendid traditions and the annals of more than a thousand years but t...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
To what greater inspiration and counsel can we turn than to the imperishable truth to be found in th...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
What were once only hopes for the future have now come to pass; it is almost exactly 13 years since ...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
First, I want to pay tribute to Diana myself. She was an exceptional and gifted human being. In good...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
I cannot lead you into battle. I do not give you laws or administer justice but I can do something e...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
To all those who have suffered as a consequence of our troubled past I extend my sincere thoughts an...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
Grief is the price we pay for love.
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
The upward course of a nation's history is due in the long run to the soundness of heart of its ...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
At its heart, engineering is about using science to find creative, practical solutions. It is a nobl...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
At Christmas, I am always struck by how the spirit of togetherness lies also at the heart of the Chr...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
For many, Christmas is also a time for coming together. But for others, service will come first.
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
The lessons from the peace process are clear; whatever life throws at us, our individual responses w...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
I declare before you all that my whole life, whether it be long or short, shall be devoted to your s...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
Therefore I am sure that this, my Coronation, is not the symbol of a power and a splendor that are g...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
We lost the American colonies because we lacked the statesmanship to know the right time and the man...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
Madam President, speaking here in Dublin Castle it is impossible to ignore the weight of history, as...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
These wretched babies don't come until they are ready.
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
I know of no single formula for success. But over the years I have observed that some attributes of ...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
The events that I have attended to mark my Diamond Jubilee have been a humbling experience. It has t...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
In remembering the appalling suffering of war on both sides, we recognise how precious is the peace ...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
No one who knew Diana will ever forget her. Millions of others who never met her, but felt they knew...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
I have been aware all the time that my peoples, spread far and wide throughout every continent and o...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
Aliens have been here for millennium.
But they didn't come in spaceships. They came in orange s...
ANTHONY T. HINCKS
Every little gracious act adds to the quotient of grace in the world - how gracious can you be today...
ANGIE KARAN
We dream that we're all different. The reality is that we're all not.
ANTHONY T. HINCKS
We'll sort of get over the marriage first and then maybe look at the kids. But obviously we want...
PRINCE WILLIAM
Family is the most important thing in the world.
PRINCESS DIANA
You philosophers are lucky men. You write on paper and paper is patient. Unfortunate Empress that I ...
CATHERINE THE GREAT
With the right help, children have a good chance of overcoming their issues while they are still you...
KATE MIDDLETON
As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.
KING SOLOMON
I don't mind a big fascinator. I think there is more scope for artwork in a fascinator rather th...
ZARA PHILLIPS
I was always told from the hat-makers that you should have your hair up because it shows the hat mor...
ZARA PHILLIPS
I don't think I'll still be riding at 40. There are a couple of people who are still riding ...
ZARA PHILLIPS
My dad's not a big talker.
ZARA PHILLIPS
My dad can be pretty critical sometimes.
ZARA PHILLIPS
I'd love to have kids, but not at the moment.
ZARA PHILLIPS
You cannot make horses 'safe.'
ZARA PHILLIPS
Virtually everything that gets printed about me is wrong anyway, so it doesn't really matter wha...
ZARA PHILLIPS
It's stupid to say that I don't like being in the public eye, but I don't like doing stu...
ZARA PHILLIPS
I'm an affectionate person.
ZARA PHILLIPS
People still text me to say that there is something about me in the paper, and what really annoys me...
ZARA PHILLIPS
Sometimes people will come up in the street and say: 'My daughter loves you, will you sign an au...
ZARA PHILLIPS
Taking part in an Olympics on home ground is something you dream about.
ZARA PHILLIPS
My brother and I have been able to get on and have been very lucky to do things with our family that...
ZARA PHILLIPS
I don't think about the media.
ZARA PHILLIPS
I love the sport and being competitive.
ZARA PHILLIPS
The horses are all characters, all personalities. Some you get along with, some you don't, some ...
ZARA PHILLIPS
I hate having my picture taken.
ZARA PHILLIPS
Unfortunately in sport it's either good or bad. You've got to take the highs and the lows.
ZARA PHILLIPS
My mother is massively into sailing, so we always had Musto clothes, and it went on from there, real...
ZARA PHILLIPS
The senior members of the royal family work very hard and I don't think people quite realise tha...
ZARA PHILLIPS
In our sport you're very lucky to find a horse of a lifetime and I found mine relatively early. ...
ZARA PHILLIPS
I don't have a stylist, and I do most of my shopping online, just because it's easier. I don...
ZARA PHILLIPS
I think Facebook's dangerous. So many people I know get into trouble with Facebook... I'd ra...
ZARA PHILLIPS
I'm not a princess anyway so I find that quite weird to be labelled as one.
ZARA PHILLIPS
Smoking is hateful to the nose, harmful to the brain, and dangerous to the lungs.
KING JAMES I
My dear mamma is quite right when she says that we must lay down principles and not depart from them...
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I never make a trip to the United States without visiting a supermarket. To me they are more fascina...
WALLIS SIMPSON
PS: It's all gossip about the prince. I'm not in the habit of taking my girlfriends' bea...
WALLIS SIMPSON
I am so anxious for you not to abdicate and I think the fact that you do is going to put me in the w...
WALLIS SIMPSON
I hate this place. I shall hate it to my grave.
WALLIS SIMPSON
I look a hundred and weigh 110 - you won't love me when you see the wreck England has made me.
WALLIS SIMPSON
A woman's life can really be a succession of lives, each revolving around some emotionally compe...
WALLIS SIMPSON
Never explain, never complain.
WALLIS SIMPSON
You have no idea how hard it is to live out a great romance.
WALLIS SIMPSON
I have always had the courage for the new things that life sometimes offers.
WALLIS SIMPSON
For a gallant spirit there can never be defeat.
WALLIS SIMPSON
Forgive me for not writing but this man is exhausting.
WALLIS SIMPSON
You can never be too rich or too thin.
WALLIS SIMPSON
A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
KING SOLOMON
It seems to me that man is made to act rather than to know: the principles of things escape our most...
FREDERICK THE GREAT
Addiction is a hugely complex and destructive disease, and its impact can be simply devastating. All...
KATE MIDDLETON
There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I have seen all, I have heard all, I have forgotten all.
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I think change needs to be egoless. It's not about my leaving my fingerprints or a legacy. It...
QUEEN RANIA OF JORDAN
We are not interested in the possibilities of defeat. They do not exist.
QUEEN VICTORIA
I can make a lord, but only God can make a gentleman.
KING JAMES I
I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men, and German to my horse.
CHARLES V
I feel very, very lucky that George has got a little sister.
KATE MIDDLETON
It would be doing me great injustice to think that I have any feeling of indifference to my country;...
MARIE ANTOINETTE
I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.
AUGUSTUS
A crown is merely a hat that lets the rain in.
FREDERICK THE GREAT
Nothing is more useless in developing a nation's economy than a gun, and nothing blocks the road...
HUSSEIN OF JORDAN
It is necessary to try to pass one's self always; this occupation ought to last as long as life.
QUEEN CHRISTINA

More Amy Sedaris

Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his ...
AMY SEDARIS
Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were ...
AMY SEDARIS
I always liked my teachers, and I was in a lot of after-school projects. I was a Girl Scout until my...
AMY SEDARIS
My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.
AMY SEDARIS
I never really take shortcuts. I was always one of those people who, instead of cutting across someo...
AMY SEDARIS
You think in a different way when you don't have any money. The joy of poverty is that you use y...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm very domestic; I love cleaning. I love cooking. I like waiting on people. I just like to mak...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm not a good storyteller. I always think I'm going to get interrupted, or something's ...
AMY SEDARIS
People who shop in health food stores never look healthy.
AMY SEDARIS
I wouldn't call myself a shut-in. I have the ability to leave my home; I just choose not to. But...
AMY SEDARIS
I think it's still kind of weird to memorize a line, because you're supposed to 'be'...
AMY SEDARIS
More men than women like 'Strangers With Candy'. Pretty girls don't like the show. They ...
AMY SEDARIS
I like crafts that are made out of necessity because they're a little naive - you made it becaus...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color - it's an old lady color.
AMY SEDARIS
If I put my mind to something, it happens. I do know that's not necessarily psychic. But I alway...
AMY SEDARIS
You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character acto...
AMY SEDARIS
Sometimes, to keep things exciting, I decorate my house as if I owned a child. I'll toss a tiny ...
AMY SEDARIS
But I always like to play ugly people who think they're pretty.
AMY SEDARIS
My father and I have a very good relationship. We always got along. But I always scold him.
AMY SEDARIS
When people tell me they are going to go scrapbooking, I say, 'Why don't you make it yoursel...
AMY SEDARIS
Books are challenging and inspirational to me.
AMY SEDARIS
I love costumes. My dream growing up was always to have my own costume and prop shop.
AMY SEDARIS
I love theatrical props: a cup filled with solid fake tea, say, or a collection of fake food, includ...
AMY SEDARIS
I like crafts that come out of poverty or necessity. There used to be hobby shops where you'd ge...
AMY SEDARIS
I like to decide the night before Thanksgiving that I'm gonna do it, and I'll see what riff ...
AMY SEDARIS
We're all used to seeing pretty people. I want to see real people.
AMY SEDARIS
My favorite things often have a story behind them and are usually handmade or discovered at a flea m...
AMY SEDARIS
I have always wanted a bunny and I'll always have a rabbit the rest of my life.
AMY SEDARIS
My characters always like themselves.
AMY SEDARIS
It's all about process to me - as long as it's fun to me, I don't care about the final product.
AMY SEDARIS
It was more of their quirky show. It was more like a cult show. The ratings weren't really that high...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm satisfied just thinking of the idea.
AMY SEDARIS
I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive.
AMY SEDARIS
I'm not a first-place person.
AMY SEDARIS
You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors w...
AMY SEDARIS
I always got along with all types of people - popular people as well as drug addicts.
AMY SEDARIS
It's driving me crazy! It's awful. I saw four last night during the Academy Awards. Four little baby...
AMY SEDARIS
I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive.
AMY SEDARIS
I really don't like going out. I don't like restaurants because I don't like the idea of...
AMY SEDARIS
They just expected it to you know... Paul, Steve and I could have hired our own publicist, if we wan...
AMY SEDARIS
I like to entertain in all aspects. When you're with somebody and you're out, you want to be...
AMY SEDARIS
I wasn't a cliquey person, and I think that's because I came from a large family. I got alon...
AMY SEDARIS
My kitchen's pink, like skin-tone pink, and I lowered my spice rack so it's eye level - it&#...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm drawn to people who look different. I'm not exploiting. I'm not making fun of them. I'm drawn to...
AMY SEDARIS
The moment someone says, “Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,” your party is over.
AMY SEDARIS
Poof! It's magic!
AMY SEDARIS
My mother always said 'Don't bother other people.' I think that's good advice.
AMY SEDARIS
Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.
AMY SEDARIS
Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives.
AMY SEDARIS
In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen.
AMY SEDARIS
I'm gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color - it's an old lady color.
AMY SEDARIS
I'm not ambitious.
AMY SEDARIS
No, um, I have a rabbit.
AMY SEDARIS
I want witchcraft so bad that I can't stand it. I have wands in my apartment. And I use them som...
AMY SEDARIS
I have a lot of fake food in my apartment, but I'm picky about it. Old plaster food, like from t...
AMY SEDARIS
I hate playing pretty or sane people. Most people are not attractive or all there.
AMY SEDARIS
If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve.
DAVID SEDARIS
I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.
DAVID SEDARIS
I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people sa...
DAVID SEDARIS
If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.
DAVID SEDARIS
Einstein wrote that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result....
DAVID SEDARIS
Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at."
DAVID SEDARIS
We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of phys...
DAVID SEDARIS
Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.
DAVID SEDARIS
Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
DAVID SEDARIS
Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading th...
DAVID SEDARIS
Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, th...
DAVID SEDARIS
I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's...
DAVID SEDARIS
The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing ...
DAVID SEDARIS
The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insis...
DAVID SEDARIS
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New Yor...
DAVID SEDARIS
People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than ...
DAVID SEDARIS
Mr. Mancini had a singular talent for making me uncomfortable. He forced me to consider things I’d...
DAVID SEDARIS
Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes...
DAVID SEDARIS
For as long as I can remember, my father saved. He saves money, he saves disfigured sticks that rese...
DAVID SEDARIS
I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.
DAVID SEDARIS
but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.
DAVID SEDARIS
Potential boyfriends could not smoke Merit cigarettes, own or wear a pair of cowboy boots, or eat an...
DAVID SEDARIS
It's a common mistake for vacationing Americans to assume that everyone around them is French and th...
DAVID SEDARIS
I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an ...
DAVID SEDARIS
If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt? I accepte...
DAVID SEDARIS
What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyo...
DAVID SEDARIS
In order to get the things I want, it helps me to pretend I’m a figure in a daytime drama, a schem...
DAVID SEDARIS
Amy adored both the new look and the new person it allowed her to be. Following the photo shoot, she...
DAVID SEDARIS
The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.
DAVID SEDARIS
The italian nanny was attempting to answer the teachers latest question when the moroccan student in...
DAVID SEDARIS
I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an ...
DAVID SEDARIS
At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loade...
DAVID SEDARIS
On my fifth trip to France I limited myself to the words and phrases that people actually use. From ...
DAVID SEDARIS
When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that,...
DAVID SEDARIS
I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I coul...
DAVID SEDARIS
Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an und...
DAVID SEDARIS
Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might ca...
DAVID SEDARIS
When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.
DAVID SEDARIS
If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
DAVID SEDARIS
People in trailers were canned and labeled much like the apple juice down at the plant, stamped with...
DAVID SEDARIS
There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.
DAVID SEDARIS
I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwi...
DAVID SEDARIS
The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections o...
DAVID SEDARIS
The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-y...
DAVID SEDARIS
My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard o...
DAVID SEDARIS
Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise.
DAVID SEDARIS
I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter...
DAVID SEDARIS
It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will...
DAVID SEDARIS
After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where...
DAVID SEDARIS
To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news.
DAVID SEDARIS
Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to ...
DAVID SEDARIS
I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a ...
DAVID SEDARIS
What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.
DAVID SEDARIS
People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive i...
DAVID SEDARIS
No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try.
DAVID SEDARIS
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people a...
DAVID SEDARIS
After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I d...
DAVID SEDARIS
For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but...
DAVID SEDARIS
At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would ...
DAVID SEDARIS
I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but I still keep a long list of prospective candi...
DAVID SEDARIS
As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners.
DAVID SEDARIS
People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that t...
DAVID SEDARIS
I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it...
DAVID SEDARIS
But most good movies have a gun in them.
DAVID SEDARIS
They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too genero...
DAVID SEDARIS
I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorist...
DAVID SEDARIS
But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.
DAVID SEDARIS
Maybe I'll learn a trade. I've considered taxidermy. I always thought it was a shame you couldn't do...
DAVID SEDARIS
I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospecti...
DAVID SEDARIS
I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodr...
DAVID SEDARIS
I've become like one of those people I hate, the sort who go to the museum and, instead of looking a...
DAVID SEDARIS
If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you...
DAVID SEDARIS
There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus “Leave me the fuck alone” comes o...
DAVID SEDARIS
A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more ...
DAVID SEDARIS
Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering ...
DAVID SEDARIS
You're the man now,' she said to me after my father died, 'you're the man.' Then she turned to Popey...
DAVID SEDARIS
On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot...
DAVID SEDARIS
It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking.
DAVID SEDARIS
States vote to take away my marriage rights, and even though I don't want to get married, it tends t...
DAVID SEDARIS
I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed.
DAVID SEDARIS
When a hurricane damaged my father's house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers o...
DAVID SEDARIS
It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of...
DAVID SEDARIS
Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on th...
DAVID SEDARIS
Seven beers followed by two Scotches and a thimble of marijuana and it's funny how sleep comes all o...
DAVID SEDARIS
I'm just a big liar.
DAVID SEDARIS
On Undecided Voter​s: "To put them in perspective, I think​ of being​ on an airplane.​ The f...
DAVID SEDARIS
It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my ...
DAVID SEDARIS
I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter o...
DAVID SEDARIS
In Paris the cashiers sit rather than stand. They run your goods over a scanner, tally up the price,...
DAVID SEDARIS
Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt...
DAVID SEDARIS
I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people...
DAVID SEDARIS
He took a sip of my father’s weak coffee and spit it back into the mug. "This shit’s like making...
DAVID SEDARIS
Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar wit...
DAVID SEDARIS
Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in m...
DAVID SEDARIS
Like any normal fifth grader, I preferred my villains to be evil and stay that way, to act like Drac...
DAVID SEDARIS
Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and...
DAVID SEDARIS
Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on th...
DAVID SEDARIS
Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—...
DAVID SEDARIS
I asked her, dreamily, if we had met, and when she told me that we had not, I gave her a little fing...
DAVID SEDARIS
Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage.
DAVID SEDARIS
I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candi...
DAVID SEDARIS
If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
DAVID SEDARIS
… [I] recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve...
DAVID SEDARIS
One thing about English-language bookstores in the age of Amazon is that it assumes that everybody h...
DAVID SEDARIS
When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.
DAVID SEDARIS
Shit is the tofu of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the speaker desires. Hot as shi...
DAVID SEDARIS
the lower bunks, both of us longing to be pinned. “You kids think you invented sex,” my mother w...
DAVID SEDARIS
Someone in our family had taken to wiping his or her ass on the bath towels. What made this exceptio...
DAVID SEDARIS
The whole notion of the nursing home was something dreamed up by people like my mother; American wom...
DAVID SEDARIS
The thing to remeber is that more than anything in this world, these colored people wish they were w...
DAVID SEDARIS
the beauty of an art school: as long as you can pay the tuition, they will never, even in the gentle...
DAVID SEDARIS
The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing some...
DAVID SEDARIS
You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholi...
DAVID SEDARIS
What are you, tap dancing up there? You want a put on a show, do you? Well, the theater's closed for...
DAVID SEDARIS
You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, j...
DAVID SEDARIS
My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for _who_ I am. Concentrate too hard...
DAVID SEDARIS
They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of...
DAVID SEDARIS
Motherfucker, you haven't got the fucking balls God gave a goddamned church mouse. You crawled out o...
DAVID SEDARIS
Watching him was like opening the door to a siniging telegram; you know it's supposed to be entertai...
DAVID SEDARIS
He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us!
DAVID SEDARIS
Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where ...
DAVID SEDARIS
We give anonymously because the sackfuls of thank-you letters break our hearts with their clumsy han...
DAVID SEDARIS
If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit...
DAVID SEDARIS
Motherfucker, you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and give you some...
DAVID SEDARIS
I’d always been afraid of sick people, and so had my mother. It wasn’t that we feared catching t...
DAVID SEDARIS
As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.
DAVID SEDARIS
The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.
DAVID SEDARIS
I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down m...
DAVID SEDARIS
I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.
DAVID SEDARIS
What I really hated, of course, was my mind. There must have been an off switch somewhere, but I was...
DAVID SEDARIS
I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.
DAVID SEDARIS
College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for...
DAVID SEDARIS
between the disfigurement and the muzzle, it's nearly impossible to catch what she's saying. Always,...
DAVID SEDARIS
Shit is the tofu of cursing.
DAVID SEDARIS
I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective c...
DAVID SEDARIS
Why refer to Lady Crack Pipe or Good Sir Dishrag when these things could never live up to all that t...
DAVID SEDARIS
When her muzzle grew more white than brown, the chipmunk forgot that she and the squirrel had had no...
DAVID SEDARIS
If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven...
DAVID SEDARIS
The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as lo...
DAVID SEDARIS
Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.
DAVID SEDARIS
That man tried to picka my frienda’s pocketoni!
DAVID SEDARIS
They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should...
DAVID SEDARIS
All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is sa...
DAVID SEDARIS
He's as nutty as a vegan T-bone.
DAVID SEDARIS