I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.