I am definitely not a fucking toaster.

You never plan on living with a female android - it just sort of happens. At first it seems like the ultimate male fantasy: to live with a beautiful woman who is programmed to obey. It soon becomes obvious, however, that a fembot is stronger, smarter, and sexier than any male counterpart. Don't despair: Her superiority makes the fembot perfectly suited to act as your first line of defense when your neighborhod becomes a battle zone.

R-4 got stuck on the First Law. "Can anyone really protect a human being from all harm whatever?" it thought. "No. It is inevitable that all humans must be injured, contract illnesses and ultimately die. The future can only be averted for humans who are already dead. Ergo..." It took a dozen cops to subdue R-4, after his blood orgy in a department store (83 dead, none injured).

-Shut the FUCK UP, said Jesus.

[The New Statesman, 3 July 1998]

As soon as we got back I ran upstairs and told everyone the story, thus telling everyone the alarm code, thus breaking one of the Ten Commandments when I lied and said I’d keep the code a secret. As I’ve known for a long, long time now, hell is going to be totally fucking worth it.

Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.