Homer, in the second book of the Iliad says with fine enthusiasm, "Give me masturbation or give me death." Caesar, in his Commentaries, says, "To the lonely it is company; to the forsaken it is a friend; to the aged and to the impotent it is a benefactor. They that are penniless are yet rich, in that they still have this majestic diversion." In another place this experienced observer has said, "There are times when I prefer it to sodomy." Robinson Crusoe says, "I cannot describe what I owe to this gentle art." Queen Elizabeth said, "It is the bulwark of virginity." Cetewayo, the Zulu hero, remarked, "A jerk in the hand is worth two in the bush." The immortal Franklin has said, "Masturbation is the best policy." Michelangelo and all of the other old masters--"old masters," I will remark, is an abbreviation, a contraction--have used similar language. Michelangelo said to Pope Julius II, "Self-negation is noble, self-culture beneficent, self-possession is manly, but to the truly great and inspiring soul they are poor and tame compared with self-abuse." Mr. Brown, here, in one of his latest and most graceful poems, refers to it in an eloquent line which is destined to live to the end of time--"None knows it but to love it; none name it but to praise.


Mark Twain

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When you ascend the hill of prosperity, may you not meet a friend.
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Man is the Reasoning Animal. Such is the claim. I think it is open to dispute. Indeed, my experiment...
MARK TWAIN
Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the ca...
MARK TWAIN
If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the r...
MARK TWAIN
The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a...
MARK TWAIN
Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its...
MARK TWAIN
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
MARK TWAIN
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the reall...
MARK TWAIN
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
MARK TWAIN
′Classic′ - a book which people praise and don't read.
MARK TWAIN
Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
MARK TWAIN
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
MARK TWAIN
The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.
MARK TWAIN
Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Trut...
MARK TWAIN
Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
MARK TWAIN
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
MARK TWAIN
All right, then, I'll go to hell.
MARK TWAIN
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.
MARK TWAIN
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
MARK TWAIN
If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.
MARK TWAIN
To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.
MARK TWAIN
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it ...
MARK TWAIN
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
MARK TWAIN
Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.
MARK TWAIN
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
MARK TWAIN
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.
MARK TWAIN