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Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.


George Carlin

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Republicans absolutely support equal pay for equal work.
CATHY MCMORRIS RODGERS Republicans are for clean water, clean air, and clean energy. We are not for taxing people out of th...
MARSHA BLACKBURN Republicans believe largely in the market working, Democrats believe stereotypically that you've...
HAROLD FORD, JR. A lot of parents would like to be able to spend time with their kids in the classroom or on field tr...
MARIA REYNA We pay for the navy, and we have no commerce for the navy to protect; we pay for the army, and we lo...
JOHN EDWARD REDMOND In judging others, folks will work overtime for no pay.
CHARLES EDWIN CARRUTHERS Ten long years of planning and hard work by many people is finally going to come to fruition. I am h...
DAVE DUPUIS Don't do it, because you have to do it. Do it, because you love to do it.
PRITISH PATTANAIK It says that [if] the crab industry can't find people to work for minimum wage, they can bring in pe...
BAY BUCHANAN The difference between American parties is actually simple. Democrats are in favor of higher taxes t...
P. J. O'ROURKE We elect Democrats to the Congress to give us stuff and we elect Republicans to the White House so w...
CHARLIE MCDOWELL We are very satisfied because we have been encouraging people to register for some time now.
MARC DEMIERRE It’s a shame how much artists have to bleed for people to enjoy their work.
SOLANGE NICOLE Now he's interested in embracing us, now he's for everybody, now he's for all the people, now he's i...
BARB MARINUCCI Immunity is a very high price for the country to pay because you are in essence denying people their...
DAVID KESSLER There are some people who have had no pay rises for a very long time, and, working in highly skilled...
JEREMY CORBYN Are you going to see Republicans in difficult races having [Bush] come for rallies? No. You will see...
CHARLES COOK Rock 'n' roll doesn't always pay the bills, and I've been interested in bars - obviously - for a lon...
GREG DULLI The two things she's been doing since she got to the Senate is work hard and work with Republicans. ...
PHILIPPE REINES No one will pay you for planning an expedition at first: you have to work in pubs at weekends so you...
RANULPH FIENNES In his farewell address, George Washington warned the people about political parties. Now we see how...
MARIANNE WILLIAMSON They have all of these trailers down there, ready for people to live in, and yet no one can move in ...
COLLEEN COOKE It's hard to have my department do all the work that we do and rely on 48,000 people to pay for our ...
GREG GRAHAM I have no reason not to ensure that the truth is told and I am tired of the way in which the Republi...
JOE WILSON For much of the 20th century people left Wales, but today the old adage 'You have to get out to get ...
ANDREW DAVIES In America, people buy cars, and they put very little money down. They get a car, and they go to wor...
IQBAL QUADIR These philosophically fun ideas usually satisfy nobody. Nonetheless, they remind us that ignorance i...
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON Democracy divides people into workers and loafers. It makes no provision for those who have no time ...
KARL KRAUS Hunger has no guidelines on the Peninsula. These people are working for the same wages, fighting to ...
LORETTA JONES President Obama stands ready to work with everyone, because that's what the American people expe...
VALERIE JARRETT I still had this idea that there was a whole world of marvelous golden people somewhere, as far ahea...
RICHARD YATES Millions of American families will need a converter box costing $60 or more just to keep watching te...
JOHN DINGELL Why do people sit up so late, or, more rarely, get up so early? Not because the day is not long enou...
FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE The logic is that when you provide schools or any social service to people, they have no choice. The...
ESTHER DUFLO People had to take a loan out to pay their taxes. How are they going to pay for this?
JEFF MONTGOMERY Do we work for and pay for all this convenience in order to live our lives, or do we live our lives ...
COLIN BEAVAN I want to talk about accountability. Your organization has demanded accountability of elected offici...
BILL MCGINNIS I have no doubt that 90 percent of people will be happy to pay a fee for a referral that they can't ...
KONSTANTIN GUERICKE People are looking to Congress for leadership and constructive action. Instead, the Republicans in C...
RICHARD GEPHARDT People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The trouble is they want a week's pay for it.
JOEY ADAMS If it's really so wonderful that both partners have to work to make a living to pay for their ho...
ERIC BRAEDEN People are resigned to the fact you have to pay for it or bring it on.
ARLENE BLOSCH It doesn't make sense that taxpayers in Indiana, for example, should have to pay more for services s...
STUART ANDERSON It makes a lot of sense for Hancock to do this because they are heavily dependent, in that it takes ...
DAVID GOODWIN History teachers help children climb mountains.
JUST IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS For me, the most interesting people are ones who often work against their best interests. Bad choice...
PAUL HAGGIS Researchers have been looking for biomarkers of age for a long time and have failed. People sell tes...
S. JAY OLSHANSKY Nations have recently been led to borrow billions for war; no nation has ever borrowed largely for e...
ABRAHAM FLEXNER I have been interested in V8s for a long time.
CASEY STONER One of the things that happens for the gay population is threatening to out people at their jobs, th...
DAVID KILMNICK I know of no single formula for success. But over the years I have observed that some attributes of ...
QUEEN ELIZABETH II I never have voted for a pay increase for me, and with such a huge federal deficit, I don't think it...
LINCOLN DAVIS Our people come to the United States looking for a better future. It would be hard being afraid to g...
ISRAEL HERNANDEZ Chance is the one thing you can't buy. You have to pay for it and you have to pay for it with your l...
ROBERT DOISNEAU If you want your dreams to work out for you, you must work with them. Pay the price and have the pac...
ISRAELMORE AYIVOR Republicans are the party of my people, created for my people,
ABRAHAM LINCOLN I'm a big fan of the show and John Wells, and we have been trying to work together for a long time,
JOHN STAMOS If you want to hire someone to work in the front counter because the unemployment rate is so low you...
KARA KELLEY Nations have recently been led to borrow billions for war; no nation has ever borrowed largely for e...
ABRAHAM FLEXNER Nobody wants to pay higher taxes. But do you want your kids to get a good education? You have to pay...
SHELLEY BERKLEY I went back to work because someone had to pay for the groceries.
BETTE DAVIS I'm doing something for myself. I'd like to get away from this, but it pays the bills. So until I fi...
DON VINCENT Would you like to work here with me?
We have no clients and the pay is shit.
ILONA ANDREWS Opportunity for all means making taxes fair. I'm not out to soak the rich. But I do believe the rich...
BILL CLINTON We are expecting our application rates to increase drastically. So we are going to need more staff t...
LUKATA MJUMBE For years I've been trying to understand why people who keep these animals are prepared to invest so...
JAMES SERPELL No.” Roman got up off his chair. “The wedding night is for you and Curran. The wedding is for ev...
ILONA ANDREWS No anguish I have had to bear on your account has been too heavy a price to pay for the new life int...
GEORGE ELIOT I felt that it was a sham, one of the most cowardly exercises I've ever watched. I believe there wer...
MIKE MOHLER Hopefully you get what you pay for, because you always pay for what you get.
JAMES W. LOVE JR. But some things are more important than being happy. Like being free to think for yourself.
JON KRAKAUER I need so much time for doing nothing that I have no time for work.
PIERRE REVERDY This president, along with the Republicans in the House, have been trying to wake people up for year...
TOM DELAY His fundamental attitude was that if you want people to work for you, don't hesitate to pay them. He...
BOB WILKINSON We have a factory running here. We have tons of volunteers. People pull up and volunteer and stay fo...
FRANK HARRIS As long as the number one worry for people, keeping them up at nights, is whether they're going ...
FRANCES O'GRADY The American spirit wears no political label. In service to others and yes, in sacrifice for our cou...
SENATOR JOHN KERRY Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN Now, so, if you want to blame someone for wasteful spending, the Republicans are in the majority.
CHAKA FATTAH Customers make jokes all the time about taking out a loan to get to work. It's ridiculous, I don't u...
BRITTANY ROGERS The president has changed the way Washington talks about its job. Civility is back in Washington, an...
ANDREW CARD Paper qualification is no longer enough in today’s competitive society. You need skills that peopl...
EMI IYALLA People have been taking shots at us all year. As long as the people you work for respect what your d...
BRYAN COLANGELO You take a request down - literally, you take a request to the Finance Office. If the Pay Officer re...
JANIS KARPINSKI I know the Republicans want to have a political gimmick to have on Valentine's day, and that's what ...
CHARLES RANGEL Some read to learn, some to laugh, and some to live.
JOYCE RACHELLE I'm no longer interested in having executives supervise other people. I want everyone to be doing th...
JOE ROTH Consumers have clearly shown a willingness to pay for content, but no consumer has a bottomless pit ...
TIM HANLON There is no free lunch. If you want to enjoy something, you have to pay for it.
CHARLES HALL Toyota is looking to do with hybrids what Volvo did with safety, trying to get people to pay more fo...
CHRISTOPHER RICHTER Many schools include a service project as part of their curriculum, and many corporations have in-ho...
GEORGE H. W. BUSH There's an awful lot of content available for free on the Internet. You can find virtually anything ...
DANNI ASHE It is not a death sentence. The fatalistic view we often find is so wrong. If you don't have funds t...
ELMERIA TEFFETELLER The purpose is to pay them for their work. They worked 20 hours per week -- it's like a part-time jo...
BRIAN MEHLER For anything worth having one must pay the price; and the price is always work, patience, love, self...
JOHN BURROUGHS For anything worth having one must pay the price; and the price is always work, patience, love, self...
JOHN BURROUGHS For anything worth having one must pay the price; and the price is always work, patience, love, self...
JOHN BURROUGHS For anything worth having one must pay the price; and the price is always work, patience, love, self...
JOHN BURROUGHS Why should ordinary people pay for a government decision that makes their television sets obsolete?
JOHN DINGELL You have to pay what the market bears, ... and in that regard, we are no different than any other bu...
BOB BOWLSBY

More George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they...
GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different....
GEORGE CARLIN Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom
GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN