Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.