Give me 200 active 2-year-olds and I could conquer the world.

[He didn't attempt to ease them into the real world.] You're out of here, ... You can't sit around anymore. (Get a) J.O.B.

The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.

Kids need to remember that when you put something on Twitter, it's not like whispering to your friend, you've put it on a billboard that the whole world, including your own kids someday, can see.

I don't see much comedy in the Bible, where people are writing about funny people. It's not there.

A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.