Friends are God's apology for relations.

Does Hallmark make a “Sorry I tried to drink your blood and touched you in a vaguely inappropriate manner” card? I settled for “How much do you remember?

It's my job as best friend to make sure he's not a serial killer. Or an English major, not sure which one's worse.

Society is based on the assumption that everyone is alike and no one is alive.

But bacon's not the only thing / That's cured by hanging from a string.

What still alive at twenty-two. / A clean, upstanding chap like you! / Sure, if your throat is hard to slit, / Slit your girl's and swing for it.