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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.


George Carlin

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I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album.
STEPHEN COLBERT There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who ...
DAVE BARRY Every now and then I will see a word as if for the first time, and suddenly appreciate that Evian is...
CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS My favorite drink is water - the bland one: Evian. I stick with that. I celebrate in the evening som...
GEORGE FOREMAN It doesn't rain at all in California. Once a month, a man drives through spraying Evian.
HUGH LAURIE I loved George Carlin... I used to sit in front of the TV and watch the HBO comedy specials. I loved...
MICK FOLEY Water breathes life into those who drink it, but takes away life from those who try to breathe it!
ALI BABAR You look at Richard Pryor and Robert Klein and George Carlin and Richard Lewis - those guys were so ...
ARI GRAYNOR George Carlin was great right up to the end of his life. But Richard Pryor was probably the best, mo...
DENIS LEARY When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who mak...
JOHN M. RICHARDSON, JR. When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who mak...
JOHN M. RICHARDSON JR. They gave us about 1,000 bottles of water.
FRANK GALLANT I love Evian face spray because it's a really easy way to just freshen up your face, especially ...
OLIVIA CULPO There are people who make things happen,
those who watch what happens,
and those who wonder ...
UNKNOWN There are two types of people I have seen : those who fish and those who only disturb the water.
VIKRANT PARSAI Two types of people do no work. 1) Those who are good for nothing 2) Those who are too good for anyt...
APURVA GAGLANI There are two types of people: those who try to win and those who try to win arguments. They are nev...
NASSIM NICHOLAS TALEB He's a world-famous name to people who care about his music, but there are many people who have ...
MICHAEL FEINSTEIN Two kinds of people to avoid in your life; 1. Those who love your lies and 2. Those who hate your tr...
ISRAELMORE AYIVOR I've always thought George Carlin was brilliant.
VICKI LAWRENCE People can be divided into four groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen,...
KEN NDARU Any supervisor worth his salt would rather deal with people who attempt too much than with those who...
LEE IACOCCA It makes you wonder whether the people who sit on those commissions who oversee these utilities are ...
JOSEPH LOPEZ The seven words George Carlin said you couldn’t say on TV or radio (“fuck,” “piss,” “shi...
MARY NORRIS I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give ...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm going to ask somebody to grab those two water bottles against the wall and move them out of the ...
ALLISON BARBER There are three types of baseball players: those who make it happen, those who watch it happen, and ...
TOMMY LASORDA There are three types of baseball players: Those who make it happen, those who watch it happen and t...
TOMMY LASORDA Don’t ever try to fight with those who have either nothing or everything.
VIKRANT PARSAI Lucie and I drank every one of those bottles.
DAN MATTHIES It's a picture of champagne bottles on ice. The end goal is to get those corks out of the bottles an...
KELLI MCGREGOR I did stand-up. I loved George Carlin and Steve Martin.
STEVE BUSCEMI The only people who never fail are those who never try.
ILKA CHASE The only people who never fail are those who never try
ILKA CHASE I’ve often wondered, since I was the moron that Billy Hicks and George Carlin were talking about, ...
BOBBY W. MILLER Sometimes I think children are the worst people alive. And even if they're not - even if some smilin...
CHUCK KLOSTERMAN I watch and I cry. I feel so bad. We can't get them out of there, those little babies with empty bot...
ELIZABETH JOHNSON There are lockers that have $400 bottles and then there are those that have $60 bottles in them. A l...
DANIEL HURST There are 2 types of enemies that a person can have. 1) Those who are fit to be friends and 2) Those...
APURVA GAGLANI George W. Bush has helped those who have most, hurt those who have least and ignored everyone in bet...
WESLEY CLARK There are two kinds of worries -- those you can do something about and those you can't. Don't spend ...
DUKE ELLINGTON Those little boxes people put you in, while they should try the other sizes...
KATE I spend some of my time brooding about people who seem addicted to double standards - those who take...
JOHN LEO People who are frugal understand the value of a dollar and make informed and thoughtful decisions. P...
FRANK SONNENBERG Continental people have sex lives; the English have hot-water bottles.
GEORGE MIKES Continental people have sex-lives; the English have hot-water bottles
GEORGE MIKES In the end, the only people who fail are those who do not try.
DAVID VISCOTT The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freew...
BOB MOOREHEAD You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do......
GEORGE CARLIN Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.
GERMAINE DE STAëL I listened to George Carlin when I was a kid and knew every word of his routines.
SEAN HAYES My eye is ever on those who love me.
SAI BABA It’s said that there are men who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who w...
DEBBIE MACOMBER The best education is not about learning how to do a job - it is about learning the wonder of life. ...
GRANT FAIRLEY Those who try to prevent the journalists from reporting the truth, especially those who resort to vi...
WANG WEIZHONG When making a point, there are 2 types of people who may disagree with you: those who can support th...
CRISS JAMI I'm scared by the enormous amount of bottled water being consumed today, instead of people drink...
ROBERT ENGLUND The most courageous people I found ever are those who tells lies, while the weakest are those who ne...
MUHAMMAD RAFIQ KHAN KAKAR If you add up all the pumping capacity of all those stations, we can pump about 2½ billion gallons ...
RON SHINDOLL And George Carlin was a guy that the more he aged the younger he seemed.
KEVIN SMITH It's just been a love affair with those kids that want to spend a little extra time on the game. And...
BOB OLIVER There are two kinds of worries - those you can do something about and those you can't. Don't...
DUKE ELLINGTON For those people who have been in this business their entire lives, this is about the toughest marke...
SEAN MCHUGH Matt does a little bit of everything for us. I think he's over there now getting the water bottles r...
JEFF CAIN Without those who tapped into the invisible world, humanity would have remained in the dark and back...
ASSEGID HABTEWOLD I wear pink on Saturdays for breast cancer, and I wear blue on Sundays. I'm superstitious. At th...
LEXI THOMPSON There are two kinds of people on this Earth: Those who are content and those who are not.
FRANCESCO QUINN Idiots are of two kinds: those who try to be smart and those who think they are smart.
RAHEEL FAROOQ There are two kinds of people, those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try to be in t...
THOMAS FULLER There are two kinds of people, those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try to be in the...
INDIRA GANDHI Some people make things happen. Some people watch things happen. And then there are those who wonder...
CARROLL BRYANT Do not fear, for those who are with us, are more than those who are with them. 2 Kings 6:16
BIBLE There are those who go away without ever leaving and those who stay without ever having been there.
SAMUEL H. LOWE Few men try for best ever, and Ted Williams is one of those.
RICHARD BEN CRAMER I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's al...
DREW CAREY I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he di...
STEVEN WRIGHT People who get in trouble are those who try something new and go at it full throttle.
DON HARRIS I love those preliminary conversations about who a character is. You try on wigs, shoes, and clothes...
RACHEL MCADAMS Nature does not give to those who will not spend...
R.J. BAUGHAN Those who spend all they earn always end in penury.
BAMIGBOYE OLUROTIMI After you are here, I will try not to become one of those parents who brag incessantly about their c...
SUZANNE FINNAMORE Those who do not industrialize become hewers of wood and haulers of water.
ALEXANDER HAMILTON Those who try to lead the people can only do so by following the mob
OSCAR WILDE How paltry are the traces left behind by a life, even one concentrated around those supposed things ...
JOHN DARNTON Only free people have an incentive to be virtuous. Only people who bear the consequences of their ow...
HARRY BROWNE Secure spiritual bliss first and then try to convey it to those who thirst. When the tank is dry, ho...
SRI SATHYA SAI BABA Men are attached to two types of women : those who wear well and those who wear little.
VIKRANT PARSAI Those of us who write spend our entire lives in an endless English class.
JOSS WHEDON Three kinds of people achieve illumination: those who learn, those who teach, and those who do both ...
MATSHONA DHLIWAYO What a different world this would be if people would listen to those who know more and not merely tr...
WILLIAM J. H. BOETCKER Those who try to obliterate the past are injuring the present.
HELEN DUNMORE Success comes to those who have an entire mountain of gold that they continually mine, not those who...
JOHN C. MAXWELL The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite direct...
GEORGE CARLIN Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches...
ROGER J. CORLESS There are two types of people who will tell you that you cannot make a difference in this world: Tho...
RAY GOFORTH For those who need it (water and sewer), it's great.
JUDI NELSON Those who dare try are heroic souls.
LAILAH GIFTY AKITA I'm not one of those people who holds a grudge about anything.
CHERYL COLE Three classes of people: Those who see. Those who see when they are shown. Those who do not see.
LEONARDO DAVINCI I think if you socialize, dine with, spend time with known terrorists that are on the list of those ...
HAROLD FORD, JR.

More George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they...
GEORGE CARLIN I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
GEORGE CARLIN Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
GEORGE CARLIN The status quo sucks.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as bi...
GEORGE CARLIN When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is just mind control.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Always do whatever's next.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, W...
GEORGE CARLIN One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
GEORGE CARLIN Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don...
GEORGE CARLIN Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!
GEORGE CARLIN That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN Meow” means “woof” in cat.
GEORGE CARLIN Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
GEORGE CARLIN Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reaso...
GEORGE CARLIN The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'Fo...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ...
GEORGE CARLIN I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches e...
GEORGE CARLIN It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, 'Rememb...
GEORGE CARLIN How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
GEORGE CARLIN I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is ...
GEORGE CARLIN How is it possible to have a civil war?
GEORGE CARLIN The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save ...
GEORGE CARLIN We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the be...
GEORGE CARLIN Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will...
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
GEORGE CARLIN I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for ...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-
GEORGE CARLIN Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.
GEORGE CARLIN There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
GEORGE CARLIN We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're hav...
GEORGE CARLIN Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too la...
GEORGE CARLIN Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fa...
GEORGE CARLIN Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook
GEORGE CARLIN Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one h...
GEORGE CARLIN Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck
GEORGE CARLIN The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institution...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN ... And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you i...
GEORGE CARLIN I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Buil...
GEORGE CARLIN Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to t...
GEORGE CARLIN Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American be...
GEORGE CARLIN I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Ky...
GEORGE CARLIN The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is
GEORGE CARLIN He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck thi...
GEORGE CARLIN There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
GEORGE CARLIN Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
GEORGE CARLIN Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
GEORGE CARLIN Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
GEORGE CARLIN 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I ...
GEORGE CARLIN Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than...
GEORGE CARLIN If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
GEORGE CARLIN Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different....
GEORGE CARLIN Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom
GEORGE CARLIN Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
GEORGE CARLIN Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience memb...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She sai...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
GEORGE CARLIN The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
GEORGE CARLIN At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
GEORGE CARLIN Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the...
GEORGE CARLIN Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it d...
GEORGE CARLIN Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
GEORGE CARLIN Everyone smiles in the same language.
GEORGE CARLIN But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the wh...
GEORGE CARLIN My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm ...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it&...
GEORGE CARLIN It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
GEORGE CARLIN I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Th...
GEORGE CARLIN Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning...
GEORGE CARLIN Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y...
GEORGE CARLIN It's never just a game when you're winning.
GEORGE CARLIN If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delight...
GEORGE CARLIN If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed...
GEORGE CARLIN I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll b...
GEORGE CARLIN I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dish...
GEORGE CARLIN Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
GEORGE CARLIN As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
GEORGE CARLIN The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, GEORGE CARLIN I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to...
GEORGE CARLIN Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
GEORGE CARLIN Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that b...
GEORGE CARLIN If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him
GEORGE CARLIN In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section
GEORGE CARLIN If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor
GEORGE CARLIN The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elect...
GEORGE CARLIN The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of you...
GEORGE CARLIN Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
GEORGE CARLIN we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.
GEORGE CARLIN When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a ...
GEORGE CARLIN You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar
GEORGE CARLIN Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can...
GEORGE CARLIN If you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem
GEORGE CARLIN In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
GEORGE CARLIN When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can th...
GEORGE CARLIN Don’t just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach t...
GEORGE CARLIN Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
GEORGE CARLIN I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with...
GEORGE CARLIN I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, c...
GEORGE CARLIN I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves ...
GEORGE CARLIN Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. A...
GEORGE CARLIN There's also way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.

GEORGE CARLIN So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’...
GEORGE CARLIN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
GEORGE CARLIN Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
GEORGE CARLIN I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. There's ...
GEORGE CARLIN I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individual...
GEORGE CARLIN When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. ...
GEORGE CARLIN If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed ...
GEORGE CARLIN There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It se...
GEORGE CARLIN If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
GEORGE CARLIN [On school uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now the...
GEORGE CARLIN Life is a series of dogs
GEORGE CARLIN I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she tol...
GEORGE CARLIN So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
GEORGE CARLIN I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad som...
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
GEORGE CARLIN May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.-.
GEORGE CARLIN I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it daw...
GEORGE CARLIN They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.
GEORGE CARLIN One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like
GEORGE CARLIN Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the ...
GEORGE CARLIN I have no emotional stake in Panda fucking.
GEORGE CARLIN Jesus was a cross dresser
GEORGE CARLIN By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
GEORGE CARLIN The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out
GEORGE CARLIN Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity
GEORGE CARLIN What makes me nervous is when I am at an airport and the stewardess says get on the plane. I say fuc...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people with low self-esteem have earned it
GEORGE CARLIN If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter
GEORGE CARLIN If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else
GEORGE CARLIN I don't vote. Two reasons. First of all it's meaningless; this country was bought and sold a long ti...
GEORGE CARLIN If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
GEORGE CARLIN I believe you can joke about anything.
GEORGE CARLIN I'm the creative type,
GEORGE CARLIN When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons
GEORGE CARLIN Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
GEORGE CARLIN He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.
GEORGE CARLIN Rich White Men Don't Care About Poor Black People
GEORGE CARLIN You get to play with people's little danger zones.
GEORGE CARLIN 'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations...
GEORGE CARLIN When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal wea...
GEORGE CARLIN In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
GEORGE CARLIN In labor news, longshoremen walked off the piers today; rescue operations are continuing
GEORGE CARLIN I went straight from shenanigans to cries against humanity
GEORGE CARLIN A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'...
GEORGE CARLIN I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a...
GEORGE CARLIN If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.
GEORGE CARLIN If the Reds were baseball's first team, who did they play?
GEORGE CARLIN What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would ...
GEORGE CARLIN Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that bi...
GEORGE CARLIN Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't...
GEORGE CARLIN Everything beeps now
GEORGE CARLIN You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic
GEORGE CARLIN Think about it,
GEORGE CARLIN I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and...
GEORGE CARLIN Most people are not particularly good at anything
GEORGE CARLIN I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people
GEORGE CARLIN When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or ...
GEORGE CARLIN What are you going to do, play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years,>Read People Magazine your...
GEORGE CARLIN One thing i don't understand is sex is legal and selling things is legal but selling sex is illegal.
GEORGE CARLIN “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
GEORGE CARLIN If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categ...
GEORGE CARLIN Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
GEORGE CARLIN