Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

A goal without a plan is just a wish.

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I don't know what humor is. Anything that's funny -- tragedy or anything, it don't make no difference so [long as] you happen to hit it just right. But there's one thing I'm proud of -- I ain't got it in for anybody. I don't like to make jokes that hurt anybody.

I never lack material for my humor column when Congress is in session.