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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.


Groucho Marx

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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or ...
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX I close my eyes I make myself unhappy so you'll go. Without me, oh what's wrong with you?
SARA QUIN I believe as musicians and artists we have an obligation to our souls. What that is? Only each one o...
NARADA MICHAEL WALDEN Up there with my awards, I have a great big statue of Groucho Marx, just to put everything in perspe...
JOHN LITHGOW Each night, I close my eyes and dream. In the morning, I open my eyes again, but the dreaming doesn'...
CHRISTY HALL I didn't have much to say to anybody but kept to myself and my books. With my eyes closed, I would t...
HARUKI MURAKAMI I was always a fan of Groucho Marx as a kid.
MICHAEL FELDMAN When I have been unhappy, I have heard an opera... and it seemed the shrieking of winds; when I am h...
JOHN RUSKIN I really didn't consider myself happy or unhappy.
BOB DYLAN I look at what I have and think myself unhappy; others look at what I have and think me happy
JOSEPH ROUX I spoke to my sport psychologist this morning and he told me to allow myself to win and to allow mys...
ASHLEY PRANGE I like to exhilarate the audience like Groucho Marx exhilarated me when I was a kid. Also, I enjoy d...
FRANK FERRANTE When I first open my eyes upon the morning meadows and look out upon the beautiful world, I thank Go...
RALPH WALDO EMERSON I try to make myself happy, no, because I know that if I'm not happy, my colleagues are not happ...
JACK MA i have learnt to live to please myself first instead of other people, when I lived to please others,...
STAN THE MAN SA Please God, when I open my eyes, make this nightmare disappear.
CATHERINE JANE FISHER The world would not be in such a snarl,/ had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN The world would not be in such a snarl, had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.
IRVING BERLIN I would not fear nor wish my fate, but boldly say each night, to-morrow let my sun his beams display...
ABRAHAM COWLEY Everything about today was amazing. I would have liked to get into the top six in one of my events, ...
NICK FLOYD Throughout my life, there are four people I've met who were truly original people. The other thr...
ALICE COOPER They come to me when they're happy or unhappy, or want something different.
JULIE WEBER Fashion should be something that in the morning, when you open your window, you say, 'Oh fantast...
ROBERTO CAVALLI It wasn't about being happy or unhappy. I just didn't want to be me anymore.
SARAH DESSEN I understand that we cannot make other people happy when they are unhappy.
AUDREY TAUTOU The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement. I have to go to...
BILLY GRAHAM I have the true feeling of myself only when I am unbearably unhappy.
FRANZ KAFKA People say there are thousands of options we have in life. I say we have only two: we can either be ...
PAWAN MISHRA I live a day at a time. Each day I look for a kernel of excitement. In the morning I say: "What is m...
BARBARA JORDAN I think it's not inaccurate to say that I had a perfectly happy childhood during which I was ver...
JOSS WHEDON To be, or not to be, that is the question.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE Blue eyes say, Love me or I die; black eyes say, Love me or I kill thee.
PROVERB Blue eyes say, Love me or I die; black eyes say, Love me or I kill thee.
SPANISH PROVERB Ever morning, until you dead in the ground, you gone have to make this decision. You gone have to as...
KATHRYN STOCKETT Everything went just well for me today. It is my birthday so I have double reason to celebrate today...
HERON GREY Get this (economic plan) passed. Later on, we can all debate it.
, TO NEW HAMPSHIRE LEGISLATORS Whatever woman may cast her lot with mine, should any ever do so, it is my intention to do all in my...
ABRAHAM LINCOLN The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.
GROUCHO MARX It's a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. Looking at myself and seeing I was not happy with ...
ERIC MOULTON And now I need you to do for me what I cannot do for myself. For you to be my eyes when I do not hav...
CASSANDRA CLARE Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it bu...
SARAH OCKLER And barefoot or first thing in the morning, I feel beautiful. Because I feel like me. I didn't alway...
ANGELINA JOLIE The Christian life is not a constant high. I have my moments of deep discouragement. I have to go to...
BILLY GRAHAM I'm not happy when I'm writing, but I'm more unhappy when I'm not.
FANNIE HURST I was changing a light bulb over Groucho Marx's bed, so I took my shoes off, got on his bed and ...
ELLIOTT GOULD I go out there, I focus, I make sure that I know my assignments, make sure Coach Martz and the other...
LARRY TURNER I want people to be inspired that I've always strived for excellence and I've always gone be...
CLARA HUGHES Even if I don't have wings to fly, I'll close my eyes and open my heart; then I'll make love my wing...
IMANIA MARGRIA You know what? Yesterday will never come back. Close your eyes and see something! You shall neither ...
ERNEST AGYEMANG YEBOAH My importance to the world is relatively small. On the other hand, my importance to myself is tremen...
NOEL COWARD Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain... T...
KEVYN AUCOIN When I was being honest with myself, I had to own that there was something about me that was drawing...
NIECY NASH We Are All Zeros But We Can Make Ourselves As Heroes
DR. ARUN S SON I have always felt that fear possesses such great power, enough to paralyze and quake an indi...
RICHELLE E. GOODRICH I just have to be myself. I'm not perfect, and I'm going to make mistakes; I might say the w...
LAVERNE COX I am not attempting to preserve culture, or record actual events or stories. Instead I bow my head i...
PATRICIA BRIGGS With him, I became utterly myself as never before - and, to my astonishment, when I looked into his ...
SHERRY JONES When I stopped seeing my mother through the eyes of a child, I saw the woman who helped me give birt...
NANCY FRIDAY When I stopped seeing my mother with the eyes of a child, I saw the woman who helped me give birth t...
NANCY FRIDAY To be or not to be. That's not really a question.
JEAN-LUC GODARD When I woke up Sunday morning at the Open and stepped outside and felt the wind and rain in my face,...
TOM KITE For me, when I go to bed at night, I am happy that I haven't hurt someone. And if I think I have...
LUCY DAVIS When I record somebody else's song, I have to make it my own or it doesn't feel right. I'...
JOHNNY CASH Death is patiently making my mask as I sleep. Each morning I awake to discover in the corners of my ...
PHILIP DOW I know how to make myself happy, but I don't know how to make you happy.
MARTY RUBIN In my life I have found two things of priceless worth - learning and loving. Nothing else - not fame...
ARTHUR C. CLARKE I was mad at myself yesterday. But today I am happy to take advantage of the car. I have everything ...
ANDREAS WIRTH Each difficult moment has the potential to open my eyes and open my heart
MYLA KABAT-ZINN Lebedeva’s eyes shone. “Masha, listen to me. Cosmetics are an extension of the will. Why do you ...
CATHERYNNE M. VALENTE The instant I open my eyes, the world seems disjointed. This is not our woods or our mountains or ou...
SUZANNE COLLINS When I'm playing regularly, I feel happy and that's when I get my strength and power to go past some...
JOE COLE Since you think it my duty, Mr. Farebrother, I will tell you that I have too strong a feeling for Fr...
GEORGE ELIOT If I think back on the books to which I have devoted my entire life, I am most surprised by those mo...
ORHAN PAMUK I have worries and fears just like everybody else. But I have every reason to wake up each morning a...
FAITH HILL I get startled really easily, so I hate horror films. I have to close my eyes when I think something...
LEIGH LEZARK In these times you have to be an optimist to open your eyes when you wake in the morning.
CARL SANDBURG In these times you have to be an optimist to open your eyes when you wake in the morning.
CARL SANDBERG In these times you have to be an optimist to open your eyes when you awake in the morning.
CARL SANDBURG Best advice that I ever got is to do whatever it takes to make myself happy, so that I'll be abl...
FLAVOR FLAV When you wake up each morning, you can choose to be happy or choose to be sad. Unless some terrible ...
LYNDA RESNICK Today I must tell myself I did not make it.
DONALD TUSK The day I open my eyes to you, was also the day I open my heart to you.
JAYSON ENGAY As I get older, I use less jewelry - necklace or earrings each morning, not both; my clothes are get...
TRACY CHEVALIER I should have known better than to open myself to such inevitable pain. When did I forget to stay al...
JESSICA KHOURY I personally see myself as a musician in the first place. You know, I don't want to say I will b...
ZEDD When I get up in the morning and put on a pink or a green wig, I see myself as a piece of animation....
NICKI MINAJ It's what's in yourself that makes you happy or unhappy.
AGATHA CHRISTIE Progress of a marriage: There was a time when you couldn't make me happy. Now the time has come when...
IRVING LAYTON Progress of a marriage: ''There was a time when you couldn't make me happy. Now the time has come wh...
IRVING LAYTON For me, at the French Open, if I wasn't playing my match I was glued to CNN watching the events ...
MICHAEL CHANG I came to the industry with wide eyes and an open heart thinking I was going to make a few films tha...
CALEB LANDRY JONES I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what would happen, because I was such a nervous wreck today. ...
DAN KOENIG Yeah, and so Max and Dylan are supposed to, like, go to Germany and have kids together," I heard Gaz...
JAMES PATTERSON I don’t want my thoughts to die with me, I want to have done something. I’m not interested in po...
TEMPLE GRANDIN Watch out for the dream killer or those who try to speak against what God has said. I make no apolog...
ARTHLENE LAUDAT LAWRENCE If I did despise the cause of my manservant or of my maidservant, when they contended with me; / Wha...
BIBLE As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I...
CHARLIE CHAPLIN

More Groucho Marx

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
GROUCHO MARX The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
GROUCHO MARX Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
GROUCHO MARX I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west ...
GROUCHO MARX I intend to live forever, or die trying.
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
GROUCHO MARX Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about som...
GROUCHO MARX Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day...
GROUCHO MARX The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open
GROUCHO MARX Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go...
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and...
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX I am so broke, I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle.
GROUCHO MARX How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How...
GROUCHO MARX I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
GROUCHO MARX I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
GROUCHO MARX Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
GROUCHO MARX Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
GROUCHO MARX What did the dog say after walking in the desert for hours? If I don't find a tree soon I'm gonna p...
GROUCHO MARX I'm a Nillionaire. I have little to no money!
GROUCHO MARX One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
GROUCHO MARX If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?
GROUCHO MARX A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell...
GROUCHO MARX Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
GROUCHO MARX Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early ...
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
GROUCHO MARX There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make d...
GROUCHO MARX A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.
GROUCHO MARX I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time / unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Life is a ...
GROUCHO MARX Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the w...
GROUCHO MARX No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and rea...
GROUCHO MARX If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
GROUCHO MARX The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words....
GROUCHO MARX Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
GROUCHO MARX Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
GROUCHO MARX Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
GROUCHO MARX In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
GROUCHO MARX I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
GROUCHO MARX I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
GROUCHO MARX A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
GROUCHO MARX Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I...
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX Before I speak, I have something important to say.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
GROUCHO MARX Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
GROUCHO MARX A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
GROUCHO MARX I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
GROUCHO MARX Humor is reason gone mad.
GROUCHO MARX One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
GROUCHO MARX I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
GROUCHO MARX I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
GROUCHO MARX He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
GROUCHO MARX I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
GROUCHO MARX I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yes...
GROUCHO MARX Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and app...
GROUCHO MARX I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
GROUCHO MARX Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
GROUCHO MARX All geniuses die young.
GROUCHO MARX There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he...
GROUCHO MARX I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every...
GROUCHO MARX We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her sta...
GROUCHO MARX I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a ...
GROUCHO MARX She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
GROUCHO MARX I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
GROUCHO MARX No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
GROUCHO MARX She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.
GROUCHO MARX I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and ...
GROUCHO MARX Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
GROUCHO MARX There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
GROUCHO MARX She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is han...
GROUCHO MARX Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
GROUCHO MARX It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
GROUCHO MARX I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THA...
GROUCHO MARX I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
GROUCHO MARX I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows ...
GROUCHO MARX Go, and never darken my towels again.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day ...
GROUCHO MARX Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long e...
GROUCHO MARX My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
GROUCHO MARX A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
GROUCHO MARX We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on t...
GROUCHO MARX I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
GROUCHO MARX Women should be obscene and not heard.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough
GROUCHO MARX I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure
GROUCHO MARX The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you’ve got it made.”
GROUCHO MARX Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
GROUCHO MARX My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you ...
GROUCHO MARX My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually te...
GROUCHO MARX Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
GROUCHO MARX If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price ...
GROUCHO MARX Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t...
GROUCHO MARX I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library ...
GROUCHO MARX You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it
GROUCHO MARX Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX [When Judy Garland lost the 1954 best actress Oscar to Grace Kelly in] The Country Girl, ... Dear Ju...
GROUCHO MARX I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.
GROUCHO MARX Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does
GROUCHO MARX Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
GROUCHO MARX Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money
GROUCHO MARX Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women
GROUCHO MARX A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have...
GROUCHO MARX If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
GROUCHO MARX Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it...
GROUCHO MARX I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
GROUCHO MARX One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
GROUCHO MARX Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
GROUCHO MARX Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
GROUCHO MARX From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I...
GROUCHO MARX It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
GROUCHO MARX Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member
GROUCHO MARX I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but ...
GROUCHO MARX Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
GROUCHO MARX I'm giving you 30 days to live.
GROUCHO MARX She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party
GROUCHO MARX Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed
GROUCHO MARX A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
GROUCHO MARX And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.
GROUCHO MARX Remember, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably far more than she's ever done!
GROUCHO MARX Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
GROUCHO MARX Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
GROUCHO MARX I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that
GROUCHO MARX A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
GROUCHO MARX Blood's not thicker than money
GROUCHO MARX I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
GROUCHO MARX Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
GROUCHO MARX The only real laughter comes from despair.
GROUCHO MARX Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stay...
GROUCHO MARX Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARX Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
GROUCHO MARX Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I...
GROUCHO MARX I cannot say that I do not disagree with you
GROUCHO MARX I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member.
GROUCHO MARX Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. Wh...
GROUCHO MARX Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
GROUCHO MARX I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member
GROUCHO MARX