Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.


Amy Sedaris

  Email Quote to Friends   Link to Quote   Create Short URL  Publish Text About This Quote   Share on Facebook, Twitter, and more
  See Recommended Quotes For You

Related

There was a door to which I found no key: There was the veil through which I might not see.
OMAR KHAYYAM
There was the Door to which I found no key; There was the Veil through which I might not see.
OMAR KHAYYAM ("THE TENT-MAKER")
I remember seeing Amy Sedaris in a stint where she played somebody's alcoholic mother in one sce...
STEPHNIE WEIR
Dont try to go too fast. Learn your job. Dont ever talk until you know what youre talking about. If ...
SAM RAYBURN
There was the Door to which I found no key; There was the Veil through which I might see
EDWARD FITZGERALD
There was the Door to which I found no key; There was the Veil through which I might see.
EDWARD FITZGERALD
I don't want to be famous for being famous.
KELLI O'HARA
I can kick your head off, but I can't, like, play a stupid little video game.
KELLY HU
Well, they had to have me in the G-string because this is PG-13, right?
KELLY HU
I do have a mouth - I will say. I speak up when I see things I don't care for.
KELLY BISHOP
Acting is a nice childish profession - pretending you're someone else and, at the same time, sel...
KATHARINE HEPBURN
And the gold of her ruined wedding dress.
CASSANDRA CLARE
My mom used to make my costumes when I was little; she sews a lot. One year, I was a bride and I had...
SASHA PIETERSE
You might as well answer the door, my child,
the truth is furiously knocking.
LUCILLE CLIFTON
Narciso Rodriguez was my first fashion big brother. He made my wedding dress, which was wonderful.
CLAIRE DANES
I have nothing against the veil. And I think that, wrongly, many in the West look at the veil as a s...
QUEEN RANIA OF JORDAN
I like to open for a band as it brings on sort of a challenge and it makes things more interesting. ...
KELLY JONES
This is sams phone" there was a long,heavy pause, and then: "oh." Another pause. "Youre the girl, ar...
MAGGIE STIEFVATER
If you can control a mans thinking, you dont have to worry about his actions. If you can determine w...
CARTER WOODSON
The important question is, what will your wear for a wedding dress, Alexia? You look horrible in whi...
GAIL CARRIGER
There was a Door to which I found no Key: / There was a Veil past which I could not see.
EDWARD FITZGERALD
WhatEver May Be The Problems, Dont Be Afraid, Think That They Are The Questions Infront Of You As An...
P. P. GURUMAULI ANNA SAHEB MORE
With all the strength; Love encompasses compassion, determination, tolerance, endurance, support, fa...
OSCAR AULIQ-ICE
Talk six times with the same single lady and you may get the wedding dress ready
LORD BYRON
I think it's a clear message that we're not joking around.
ALGIS SHALNA
I had a job; I was, during the war, a nurse, a 'Gray Lady.' We wore a veil and a gray dress.
BROOKE ASTOR
You don’t think in depression that you’ve put on a grey veil and are seeing the world through th...
ANDREW SOLOMON
For talk six times with the same single lady, And you may get the wedding dress ready.
LORD BYRON (GEORGE GORDON NOEL BYRON)
A wedding dress is both an intimate and personal for a woman - it must reflect the personality and s...
CAROLINA HERRERA
I do not have a bride gene. I haven't been planning a wedding since I was 3. I never put a sheet...
NIECY NASH
You just invite people over for a surprise birthday party, but really it's a surprise wedding. The b...
SCOTT SHAW
In the split-second before someone prepares to answer a question, he will consciously or subconsciou...
PAMELA MEYER
...sitting with him was like sitting by yourself; he didn't talk except when it suited him. You aske...
FLANNERY O'CONNOR
You don't think I can fight." Tessa said, drawing back and matching his silvery gaze with her own. "...
CASSANDRA CLARE
Amy Pond: 'I thought... well, I started to think you were just a madman with a box.'
The Doctor...
STEVEN MOFFAT
You're the man now,' she said to me after my father died, 'you're the man.' Then she turned to Popey...
DAVID SEDARIS
It was much easier to explain the veil than to answer questions about the wounds.
PAWAN MISHRA
If you need a door kicked in, just call, and we'll kick it. Now, it may not always be the answer...
DAN WEBSTER
A wedding is for daughters and fathers. The mothers all dress up, trying to look like young women. B...
SARAH RUHL
People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.
KARL PILKINGTON
I never wanted a big wedding. I never wanted to wear a white dress or throw a bouquet.
TAYLOR JENKINS REID
You don't think in depression that you've put on a gray veil and are seeing the world throug...
ANDREW SOLOMON
Brides are continually looking for ways to make every aspect of their wedding day a true reflection ...
CARLEY RONEY
Dont GiVe UP iF U StIll WaNna TrY*
DonT WIpE YOUR TeARS IF YOU StiLL WANT TO Cry
 DON'T SET...
TRENT REZNOR
He looked at me intently, from what seemed behind the veil of a grave experience. Then slowly and pr...
THOMAS H. COOK
[Parents] think their kids can dress themselves and they can feed themselves and they can let themse...
LINDA PERLSTEIN
I think it helps on a resume. It's part of the smoke and mirrors of recruiting. It might get a kid a...
KARA HARRISON
Yes, I've seen Louis CK. I wouldn't in any way make a degrading remark about Louis CK, but t...
CHEVY CHASE
Neil Gaiman is a star. He constructs stories like some demented cook might make a wedding cake, buil...
CLIVE BARKER
I think now that the great thing is not so much the formulation of an answer for myself, for the the...
ARTHUR MILLER
He would be sitting up at his dinner table, and we had a wonderful time doing constructive geology a...
CARL WENTWORTH
People live for eating,but I eat for survive
OM BENIWAL
That's an incredible wedding chapel out there. And look around in here: You don't often see bib over...
JOE PALMER
He always told the truth. If you asked him a question, he was going to give you the answer. You migh...
ENOS CABELL
When it comes to what you really want in life. Dont take no for an answer. Take no for a question an...
BERNARD KELVIN CLIVE
People who live in glass houses... have to answer the door.
KARL PILKINGTON
When I design a wedding dress with a bustle, it has to be one the bride can dance in. I love the ide...
VERA WANG
I started out as a writer. Poetry and prose and also kind of satirical David Sedaris-esque stuff.
PAULEY PERRETTE
Aunt Marion was right... Never marry a musician, and never answer the door.
CHARLES M. SCHULZ
I think every girl should be able to attend their high school prom, so we decided to hold a prom and...
AUTUMN CRAMER
When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It ...
C.S. LEWIS
I want to be a simple bride when I get married. I want a beach wedding where I am running around on ...
SONAKSHI SINHA
I can wear a sexy dress to any red carpet event. My wedding is my chance to go all the way and wear ...
ROSELYN SANCHEZ
I thought he was joking.
COREY SMITH
I think I was joking when I said that.
LAMAR BUTLER
Shut up, me,” Leo said aloud.
“What?” Piper asked.
“Nothing,” he said. “Long n...
RICK RIORDAN
All that you think is rain is not. Behind the veil angels sometimes weep.
JALAL AD-DIN RUMI
We're not saying students can't dress up in women's clothing. But there's a difference between the o...
ANDREA PHILLIPS
I think it is a wise person who does not answer the door to uninvited police officers. Who knows wha...
STEVEN MAGEE
All is mystery; but he is a slave who will not struggle to penetrate the dark veil
BENJAMIN DISRAELI
All is mystery; but he is a slave who will not struggle to penetrate the dark veil.
BENJAMIN DISRAELI
All is mystery; but he is a slave who will not struggle to penetrate the dark veil.
BENJAMIN DISRAELI
Before I took the veil, I was ornamented for the ceremony, and was clothed in a rich dress belonging...
MARIA MONK
Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted Valentino to design my wedding dress. Valentino is the defi...
NICKY HILTON
Monica Seles: I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night.
PETER USTINOV
You're joking, Perce! You are actually joking, Percy... I don't think I've heard you joke since you ...
J.K. ROWLING
The prenup needs to be drawn up months before the wedding, not days - it's not something you sla...
SUZE ORMAN
He showed that politicians can learn. We're hoping another door might open.
GARY STORCK
I went to an all-boys Catholic school, and not only were we not allowed to wear pajamas, we had to w...
JOHN C. REILLY
Brody's not gay. But then he kisses a boy. So he might be gay? No, Brody's not gay. But he loves thi...
DART GRAY
The Doctor: This is bad, I don't like this. [kicks console and yells in pain] Never use force, you j...
STEVEN MOFFAT
Maybe the secret to happiness is simplicity.
AMY HARMON
I've worn a dress at my wedding. I've worn 6-inch Louboutins. I've got no fear and no sh...
A. J. MCLEAN
At last he came to a door, with these words in glowing emeralds:

THE END OF THE WORLD ORSON SCOTT CARD
You're Nephilim," he said. "The Clave owes us protection in these circumstances."
...
"I d...
CASSANDRA CLARE
A bride is a bride the first time around. The white dress and the white veil are symbolic. So many p...
LETITIA BALDRIGE
There was no relationship between a wedding dress and fashion. There was no good taste, either. I re...
VERA WANG
MRS PEARCE. Mr Higgins: youre tempting the girl. It’s not right. She should think of the future. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW Rory: Amy. I'm gonna need a little help here.
Amy: Just stop it!
Rory: Just think it throu...
STEVEN MOFFAT
Monica Seles: I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night.
PETER USTINOV
People look at me, and I dress a little unusually and they think, 'Oh you must be from Californi...
HOWARD RHEINGOLD
When I got married in 1991, I had never been to a wedding, so I didn't know that my wedding was ...
NIECY NASH
Youre gonna grow up and marry some ice cream! Haha!
JEFF KINNEY
When you grow up there are things that you would love to do make your father proud is one and have f...
GARY F EVANS...
Maud Muller looked and sighed: :Ah me! That I the Judge's bride might be! He would dress me u...
JOHN GREENLEAF WHITTIER
Making money is not gonna change anything about what I am, except I won't answer the door.
ABEL FERRARA
If youre in an awkward position, feel comfortable enough to walk away.
BEAU MIRCHOFF
Louis Armstrong, who learned to be in exquisite dress, came from the bottom, and he's not a tras...
STANLEY CROUCH
who wants flowers when youre dead? nobody.
J.D. SALINGER
I loved everything about my wedding look, but, in retrospect, I would have changed the position of w...
MARGHERITA MISSONI

More Amy Sedaris

Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his ...
AMY SEDARIS
Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were ...
AMY SEDARIS
I always liked my teachers, and I was in a lot of after-school projects. I was a Girl Scout until my...
AMY SEDARIS
My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.
AMY SEDARIS
I never really take shortcuts. I was always one of those people who, instead of cutting across someo...
AMY SEDARIS
You think in a different way when you don't have any money. The joy of poverty is that you use y...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm very domestic; I love cleaning. I love cooking. I like waiting on people. I just like to mak...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm not a good storyteller. I always think I'm going to get interrupted, or something's ...
AMY SEDARIS
People who shop in health food stores never look healthy.
AMY SEDARIS
I wouldn't call myself a shut-in. I have the ability to leave my home; I just choose not to. But...
AMY SEDARIS
I think it's still kind of weird to memorize a line, because you're supposed to 'be'...
AMY SEDARIS
More men than women like 'Strangers With Candy'. Pretty girls don't like the show. They ...
AMY SEDARIS
I like crafts that are made out of necessity because they're a little naive - you made it becaus...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color - it's an old lady color.
AMY SEDARIS
If I put my mind to something, it happens. I do know that's not necessarily psychic. But I alway...
AMY SEDARIS
You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character acto...
AMY SEDARIS
Sometimes, to keep things exciting, I decorate my house as if I owned a child. I'll toss a tiny ...
AMY SEDARIS
But I always like to play ugly people who think they're pretty.
AMY SEDARIS
My father and I have a very good relationship. We always got along. But I always scold him.
AMY SEDARIS
When people tell me they are going to go scrapbooking, I say, 'Why don't you make it yoursel...
AMY SEDARIS
Books are challenging and inspirational to me.
AMY SEDARIS
I love costumes. My dream growing up was always to have my own costume and prop shop.
AMY SEDARIS
I love theatrical props: a cup filled with solid fake tea, say, or a collection of fake food, includ...
AMY SEDARIS
I like crafts that come out of poverty or necessity. There used to be hobby shops where you'd ge...
AMY SEDARIS
I like to decide the night before Thanksgiving that I'm gonna do it, and I'll see what riff ...
AMY SEDARIS
We're all used to seeing pretty people. I want to see real people.
AMY SEDARIS
My favorite things often have a story behind them and are usually handmade or discovered at a flea m...
AMY SEDARIS
I have always wanted a bunny and I'll always have a rabbit the rest of my life.
AMY SEDARIS
My characters always like themselves.
AMY SEDARIS
It's all about process to me - as long as it's fun to me, I don't care about the final product.
AMY SEDARIS
It was more of their quirky show. It was more like a cult show. The ratings weren't really that high...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm satisfied just thinking of the idea.
AMY SEDARIS
I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive.
AMY SEDARIS
I'm not a first-place person.
AMY SEDARIS
You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors w...
AMY SEDARIS
I always got along with all types of people - popular people as well as drug addicts.
AMY SEDARIS
It's driving me crazy! It's awful. I saw four last night during the Academy Awards. Four little baby...
AMY SEDARIS
I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive.
AMY SEDARIS
I really don't like going out. I don't like restaurants because I don't like the idea of...
AMY SEDARIS
They just expected it to you know... Paul, Steve and I could have hired our own publicist, if we wan...
AMY SEDARIS
I like to entertain in all aspects. When you're with somebody and you're out, you want to be...
AMY SEDARIS
I wasn't a cliquey person, and I think that's because I came from a large family. I got alon...
AMY SEDARIS
My kitchen's pink, like skin-tone pink, and I lowered my spice rack so it's eye level - it&#...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm drawn to people who look different. I'm not exploiting. I'm not making fun of them. I'm drawn to...
AMY SEDARIS
The moment someone says, “Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,” your party is over.
AMY SEDARIS
Poof! It's magic!
AMY SEDARIS
I don't mind pointing out some of the failings of old age, because we are all headed in that directi...
AMY SEDARIS
My mother always said 'Don't bother other people.' I think that's good advice.
AMY SEDARIS
Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives.
AMY SEDARIS
In all the land there is only one you, possibly two, but seldom more than sixteen.
AMY SEDARIS
I'm gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color - it's an old lady color.
AMY SEDARIS
I'm not ambitious.
AMY SEDARIS
No, um, I have a rabbit.
AMY SEDARIS
I want witchcraft so bad that I can't stand it. I have wands in my apartment. And I use them som...
AMY SEDARIS
I have a lot of fake food in my apartment, but I'm picky about it. Old plaster food, like from t...
AMY SEDARIS
I hate playing pretty or sane people. Most people are not attractive or all there.
AMY SEDARIS
If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve.
DAVID SEDARIS
I meet people at book signings. My record now, for signing, is ten and a half hours in one sitting.
DAVID SEDARIS
I love getting attention, just like a child loves it, and it's never worn off. So when people sa...
DAVID SEDARIS
If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.
DAVID SEDARIS
Einstein wrote that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result....
DAVID SEDARIS
Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at."
DAVID SEDARIS
We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of phys...
DAVID SEDARIS
Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.
DAVID SEDARIS
Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
DAVID SEDARIS
Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading th...
DAVID SEDARIS
Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, th...
DAVID SEDARIS
I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's...
DAVID SEDARIS
The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing ...
DAVID SEDARIS
The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insis...
DAVID SEDARIS
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New Yor...
DAVID SEDARIS
People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than ...
DAVID SEDARIS
Mr. Mancini had a singular talent for making me uncomfortable. He forced me to consider things I’d...
DAVID SEDARIS
Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes...
DAVID SEDARIS
For as long as I can remember, my father saved. He saves money, he saves disfigured sticks that rese...
DAVID SEDARIS
I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.
DAVID SEDARIS
but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.
DAVID SEDARIS
Potential boyfriends could not smoke Merit cigarettes, own or wear a pair of cowboy boots, or eat an...
DAVID SEDARIS
It's a common mistake for vacationing Americans to assume that everyone around them is French and th...
DAVID SEDARIS
I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an ...
DAVID SEDARIS
If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt? I accepte...
DAVID SEDARIS
What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyo...
DAVID SEDARIS
In order to get the things I want, it helps me to pretend I’m a figure in a daytime drama, a schem...
DAVID SEDARIS
Amy adored both the new look and the new person it allowed her to be. Following the photo shoot, she...
DAVID SEDARIS
The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.
DAVID SEDARIS
The italian nanny was attempting to answer the teachers latest question when the moroccan student in...
DAVID SEDARIS
I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an ...
DAVID SEDARIS
At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loade...
DAVID SEDARIS
On my fifth trip to France I limited myself to the words and phrases that people actually use. From ...
DAVID SEDARIS
When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that,...
DAVID SEDARIS
I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I coul...
DAVID SEDARIS
Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an und...
DAVID SEDARIS
Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might ca...
DAVID SEDARIS
When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.
DAVID SEDARIS
If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
DAVID SEDARIS
People in trailers were canned and labeled much like the apple juice down at the plant, stamped with...
DAVID SEDARIS
There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.
DAVID SEDARIS
I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwi...
DAVID SEDARIS
The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections o...
DAVID SEDARIS
The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-y...
DAVID SEDARIS
My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard o...
DAVID SEDARIS
Lovers of audio books learn to live with compromise.
DAVID SEDARIS
I guess my guilty pleasure would be listening to the British audio versions of the 'Harry Potter...
DAVID SEDARIS
It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will...
DAVID SEDARIS
After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where...
DAVID SEDARIS
To say that a humorist exaggerates to get big laughs, I don't see how that's big news.
DAVID SEDARIS
Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to ...
DAVID SEDARIS
I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a ...
DAVID SEDARIS
What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.
DAVID SEDARIS
People ask me, 'Have you ever considered doing stand-up?' To me it would be less offensive i...
DAVID SEDARIS
No one writes dialect better than Flannery O'Connor. No one should even try.
DAVID SEDARIS
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people a...
DAVID SEDARIS
After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I d...
DAVID SEDARIS
For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but...
DAVID SEDARIS
At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would ...
DAVID SEDARIS
I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but I still keep a long list of prospective candi...
DAVID SEDARIS
As a foreigner in London, I like that there are so many other foreigners.
DAVID SEDARIS
People ask if I miss it, but they don't understand that American culture is so ubiquitous that t...
DAVID SEDARIS
I love 'Glee.' I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it...
DAVID SEDARIS
But most good movies have a gun in them.
DAVID SEDARIS
They were nothing like the French people I had imagined. If anything, they were too kind, too genero...
DAVID SEDARIS
I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorist...
DAVID SEDARIS
But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.
DAVID SEDARIS
Maybe I'll learn a trade. I've considered taxidermy. I always thought it was a shame you couldn't do...
DAVID SEDARIS
I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospecti...
DAVID SEDARIS
I cry all the time when I watch 'Glee' because I don't know if it's satire or melodr...
DAVID SEDARIS
I've become like one of those people I hate, the sort who go to the museum and, instead of looking a...
DAVID SEDARIS
If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you...
DAVID SEDARIS
There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus “Leave me the fuck alone” comes o...
DAVID SEDARIS
A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more ...
DAVID SEDARIS
Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering ...
DAVID SEDARIS
You're the man now,' she said to me after my father died, 'you're the man.' Then she turned to Popey...
DAVID SEDARIS
On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot...
DAVID SEDARIS
It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking.
DAVID SEDARIS
States vote to take away my marriage rights, and even though I don't want to get married, it tends t...
DAVID SEDARIS
I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed.
DAVID SEDARIS
When a hurricane damaged my father's house, my brother rushed over with a gas grill, three coolers o...
DAVID SEDARIS
It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of...
DAVID SEDARIS
Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on th...
DAVID SEDARIS
Seven beers followed by two Scotches and a thimble of marijuana and it's funny how sleep comes all o...
DAVID SEDARIS
I'm just a big liar.
DAVID SEDARIS
On Undecided Voter​s: "To put them in perspective, I think​ of being​ on an airplane.​ The f...
DAVID SEDARIS
It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my ...
DAVID SEDARIS
I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter o...
DAVID SEDARIS
In Paris the cashiers sit rather than stand. They run your goods over a scanner, tally up the price,...
DAVID SEDARIS
Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt...
DAVID SEDARIS
I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people...
DAVID SEDARIS
He took a sip of my father’s weak coffee and spit it back into the mug. "This shit’s like making...
DAVID SEDARIS
Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar wit...
DAVID SEDARIS
Sometimes with 'The New Yorker,' they have grammar rules that just don't feel right in m...
DAVID SEDARIS
Like any normal fifth grader, I preferred my villains to be evil and stay that way, to act like Drac...
DAVID SEDARIS
Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and...
DAVID SEDARIS
Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on th...
DAVID SEDARIS
Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake—...
DAVID SEDARIS
I asked her, dreamily, if we had met, and when she told me that we had not, I gave her a little fing...
DAVID SEDARIS
Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage.
DAVID SEDARIS
I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candi...
DAVID SEDARIS
If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
DAVID SEDARIS
… [I] recall thinking that the computer would never advance much further than this. Call me naïve...
DAVID SEDARIS
One thing about English-language bookstores in the age of Amazon is that it assumes that everybody h...
DAVID SEDARIS
When they're born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.
DAVID SEDARIS
Shit is the tofu of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the speaker desires. Hot as shi...
DAVID SEDARIS
the lower bunks, both of us longing to be pinned. “You kids think you invented sex,” my mother w...
DAVID SEDARIS
Someone in our family had taken to wiping his or her ass on the bath towels. What made this exceptio...
DAVID SEDARIS
The whole notion of the nursing home was something dreamed up by people like my mother; American wom...
DAVID SEDARIS
The thing to remeber is that more than anything in this world, these colored people wish they were w...
DAVID SEDARIS
the beauty of an art school: as long as you can pay the tuition, they will never, even in the gentle...
DAVID SEDARIS
The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing some...
DAVID SEDARIS
You have how many children in your family?" the teacher would ask. "I'm guessing you must be Catholi...
DAVID SEDARIS
What are you, tap dancing up there? You want a put on a show, do you? Well, the theater's closed for...
DAVID SEDARIS
You just take and take don´t you? Out there with your thumb in the air—not a care in the world, j...
DAVID SEDARIS
My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for _who_ I am. Concentrate too hard...
DAVID SEDARIS
They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of...
DAVID SEDARIS
Motherfucker, you haven't got the fucking balls God gave a goddamned church mouse. You crawled out o...
DAVID SEDARIS
Watching him was like opening the door to a siniging telegram; you know it's supposed to be entertai...
DAVID SEDARIS
He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us!
DAVID SEDARIS
Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where ...
DAVID SEDARIS
We give anonymously because the sackfuls of thank-you letters break our hearts with their clumsy han...
DAVID SEDARIS
If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit...
DAVID SEDARIS
Motherfucker, you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and give you some...
DAVID SEDARIS
I’d always been afraid of sick people, and so had my mother. It wasn’t that we feared catching t...
DAVID SEDARIS
As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.
DAVID SEDARIS
The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.
DAVID SEDARIS
I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down m...
DAVID SEDARIS
I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.
DAVID SEDARIS
What I really hated, of course, was my mind. There must have been an off switch somewhere, but I was...
DAVID SEDARIS
I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.
DAVID SEDARIS
College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for...
DAVID SEDARIS
between the disfigurement and the muzzle, it's nearly impossible to catch what she's saying. Always,...
DAVID SEDARIS
Shit is the tofu of cursing.
DAVID SEDARIS
I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective c...
DAVID SEDARIS
Why refer to Lady Crack Pipe or Good Sir Dishrag when these things could never live up to all that t...
DAVID SEDARIS
When her muzzle grew more white than brown, the chipmunk forgot that she and the squirrel had had no...
DAVID SEDARIS
If I'm riding my bike I just replay the same scenarios over and over in my head, like I haven...
DAVID SEDARIS
The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as lo...
DAVID SEDARIS
Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.
DAVID SEDARIS
That man tried to picka my frienda’s pocketoni!
DAVID SEDARIS
They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should...
DAVID SEDARIS
All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is sa...
DAVID SEDARIS
He's as nutty as a vegan T-bone.
DAVID SEDARIS