Clay, did you ever love me?"<br />I'm studying a billboard and say that I didn't hear what she said.<br />"I asked if you ever loved me?"<br />On the terrace the sun bursts into my eyes and for one blinding moment I see myself clearly. I remember the first time we made love, in the house in Palm Springs, her body tan and wet, lying against cool, white sheets.<br />"Don't do this, Blair," I tell her.<br />"Just tell me."<br />I don't say anything.<br />"Is it such a hard question to answer?"<br />I look at her straight on.<br />"Yes or no?"<br />"Why?"<br />"Damnit, Clay," she sighs.<br />"Yeah, sure, I guess."<br />"Don't lie to me."<br />"What in the fuck do you want to hear?"<br />"Just tell me," she says, her voice rising.<br />"No," I almost shout. "I never did." I almost start to laugh.<br />She draws in a breath and says, "Thank you. That's all I wanted to know." She sips her wine.<br />"Did you ever love me?" I ask her back, though by now I can't even care.<br />She pauses. "I thought about it and yeah, I did once. I mean I really did. Everything was all right for a while. You were kind." She looks down and then goes on. "But it was like you weren't there. Oh shit, this isn't going to make any sense." She stops.<br />I look at her, waiting for her to go on, looking up at the billboard. Disappear Here.<br />"I don't know if any other person I've been with has been really there, either ... but at least they tried."<br />I finger the menu; put the cigarette out.<br />"You never did. Other people made an effort and you just ... It was just beyond you." She takes another sip of her wine. "You were never there. I felt sorry for you for a little while, but then I found it hard to. You're a beautiful boy, Clay, but that's about it."<br />I watch the cars pass by on Sunset.<br />"It's hard to feel sorry for someone who doesn't care."<br />"Yeah?" I ask.<br />"What do you care about? What makes you happy?"<br />"Nothing. Nothing makes me happy. I like nothing," I tell her.<br />"Did you ever care about me, Clay?"<br />I don't say anything, look back at the menu.<br />"Did you ever care about me?" she asks again.<br />"I don't want to care. If I care about things, it'll just be worse, it'll just be another thing to worry about. It's less painful if I don't care."<br />"I cared about you for a little while."<br />I don't say anything.<br />She takes off her sunglasses and finally says, "I'll see you later, Clay." She gets up.<br />"Where are you going?" I suddenly don't want to leave Blair here. I almost want to take her back with me.<br />"Have to meet someone for lunch."<br />"But what about us?"<br />"What about us?" She stands there for a moment, waiting. I keep staring at the billboard until it begins to blur and when my vision becomes clearer I watch as Blair's car glides out of the parking lot and becomes lost in the haze of traffic on Sunset. The waiter comes over and asks, "Is everything okay, sir?"<br />I look up and put my sunglasses on and try to smile. "Yeah.