CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet --two clarionets.

LYRE, n. An ancient instrument of torture. The word is now used in a figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the following fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox:I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, And pick with care the disobedient wire. That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look. I bide my time, and it shall come at length, When, with a Titan's energy and strength, I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O, The word shall suffer when I let them go! --Farquharson Harris

FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.To Rome said Nero: "If to smoke you turn I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn." To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do your worst,'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first." --Orm Pludge

PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.