But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went intowhat the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyonewas going -"er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Thenthere was the dark Ages. " I can't even see you! Where are you?"

Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill.

We have archeology on television, and I quite like it; it’s a sort of detective thing, but it’s really true, you know it’s there… But it’s kind of slow on telly, it has this problem of, “We’ve been here three weeks on live television, and we’ve taken off about a millimeter of top soil so far…” There’s men with brushes and beards… maybe they’ve just got beards, I’m not sure… “We found this and carbon-dated it to last Tuesday, so we’re very excited…”

'PiAno,piAno'It's not a bloody piano, its a clarenARt...you weird talking person.

It all bottomed out with the Renaissance Period. Ren-ais-sance. That’s Renaissance, FRENCH for ‘re-birth’. Re-nais-sance. And that’s why most of the Renaissance happened slap bang in the middle of Fr…Italy.

Picasso, he should have been a taxidermist!“I’ve done your dog. It’s got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?”“Fido looks a bit weird.”