Bob Saget is the dirtiest comic who's ever lived. Nobody touches him.


Penn Jillette

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Cancer is something that touches everyone's lives.
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My role is to limit Adam Morrison 's touches and make it difficult for him.
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Camerado! This is no book; who touches this touches a man.
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Camerado, this is no book, Who touches this touches a man
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Nobody's ever gonna accuse me of being a singer, but I can sing.
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If you like the stuff I do, my chances of liking you go up.
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You have to be careful as a libertarian because you can sound very Republican.
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I'm always surprised when the corporate world does stupid things, because they're often not ...
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From 1985 to 1994, I lived in Manhattan in a big old loft right off Times Square. I could walk to wo...
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Whereas you have someone like Houdini, who works really, really hard to get really, really famous, a...
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More Penn Jillette

Trey Parker did 'Book of Mormon.' It's the best Broadway show I've ever seen. He doe...
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I don't want people who are in poverty, in pain, or suffering, to suffer because it's for th...
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I'm not misunderstood. I am brash. I make my living being brash.
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Behaving morally because of a hope of reward or a fear of punishment is not morality. Morality is no...
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Religion cannot and should not be replaced by atheism. Religion needs to go away and not be replaced...
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It wasn't success, because Teller and I, by the time Asparagus Valley got together - within a ye...
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The secret truth of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is that it isn't very hard... 'Celebrity ...
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No one can tell you the rules of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' No one. Donald Trump just does what...
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Bacon is so good by itself that to put it in any other food is an admission of failure. You're b...
PENN JILLETTE
I like to read in the dark. I like to go into the bathtub, turn out all the lights, and in the dark,...
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PENN JILLETTE
It's only the losers named 'Dave' that think having an unusual name is bad, and who care...
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But it's much more exciting to make Die Hard. One of the reasons that I think that movie is so s...
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I'm very happy being big and effeminate.
PENN JILLETTE
God works in mysterious, inefficient, and breathtakingly cruel ways.
PENN JILLETTE
I don't travel in circles where people say, 'I have faith, I believe this in my heart and nothing yo...
PENN JILLETTE
Believing there is no God gives me more room for belief in family, people, love, truth, beauty, sex,...
PENN JILLETTE
Technology adds nothing to art. Two thousand years ago, I could tell you a story, and at any point d...
PENN JILLETTE
Channeling is just bad ventriloquism. You use another voice, but people can see your lips moving.
PENN JILLETTE
When 9/11 hit, the second thing I said to myself was, 'This really is what religious people do.&...
PENN JILLETTE
Don't waste too much time wishing, hoping, and being envious; it'll make you bugnutty.
PENN JILLETTE
I think one of the things about Donald Trump that's interesting is he lives in a rarified atmosp...
PENN JILLETTE
I'm a big fan of gospel music, and you cannot be a fan of rock and roll, you cannot be a fan of ...
PENN JILLETTE
Believing there's no God means I can't really be forgiven except by kindness and faulty memo...
PENN JILLETTE
I think the media spends a lot of time fooling itself.
PENN JILLETTE
America was founded on Christians not trusting each other, and they sometimes seemed more willing to...
PENN JILLETTE
'Psycho' is fascinating philosophically, because the point of 'Psycho' is that every...
PENN JILLETTE
Freedom means the freedom to be stupid, and that's what I want.
PENN JILLETTE
The one kind of person I have a lot of trouble understanding is the kind of person that says the exi...
PENN JILLETTE
The only difference between Obama and Bush is that Obama is killing more people. He’s about double...
PENN JILLETTE
Democracy without respect for individual rights sucks. It's just ganging up against the weird ki...
PENN JILLETTE
I started out as a juggler, so I know what it means to spend eight hours a day, seven days a week pr...
PENN JILLETTE
I like things matching. I have an upright bass, a drum kit and a grand piano that's the same col...
PENN JILLETTE
I was about 12 when I heard my first Lenny Bruce record. He was already dead. But it changed my life...
PENN JILLETTE
I love when violent, dangerous art is done by people who are not violent and dangerous. I love that ...
PENN JILLETTE
I intend to do the Penn & Teller show until they pry my cheesy magic wand from my cold dead fing...
PENN JILLETTE
You have to be careful as a libertarian because you can sound very Republican.
PENN JILLETTE
I'm always surprised when the corporate world does stupid things, because they're often not ...
PENN JILLETTE
From 1985 to 1994, I lived in Manhattan in a big old loft right off Times Square. I could walk to wo...
PENN JILLETTE
Whereas you have someone like Houdini, who works really, really hard to get really, really famous, a...
PENN JILLETTE
No nudity, no violence,
PENN JILLETTE
The fact of the matter is, if you want to be anonymous, you're still better off at the peep show,
PENN JILLETTE
Well, see, there's a downside to that, too,
PENN JILLETTE
In the '60s, you know, you had this -- you'd have, you know, James Brown on the same show with Alan ...
PENN JILLETTE
It's really not good, ... I mean, when I talked to Siegfried last night, he said, you know, it was g...
PENN JILLETTE
And we realized it was time to do a show underwater. Magic needs a good head-soaking.
PENN JILLETTE
TV networks are dying. The death throes of religion give us jihads. The death throes of television g...
PENN JILLETTE
If stupid hippies hadn't killed nuclear power, we'd have nuclear power plants, safer and cheaper tha...
PENN JILLETTE
Computers absolutely changed my life. Before I had a computer, I had never written one thing. Not on...
PENN JILLETTE
Sweaty, rainy, insect-filled, miserable, drowning.
PENN JILLETTE
Penn & Teller: Bull----!
PENN JILLETTE
Poker has the feeling of a sport, but you don't have to do push-ups.
PENN JILLETTE
My parents were teetotalers and my grandparents were - it's all the way back. It's New Engli...
PENN JILLETTE
My hair is way, way long. I've hitchhiked across the country a zillion times. I've ridden in...
PENN JILLETTE
A lot of older parents worry about being older parents. I hear people say, 'I don't want to ...
PENN JILLETTE
Part of the experience of being entertained is sitting back and plugging into someone else's vis...
PENN JILLETTE
Counterintuitive actions prove we can trust real knowledge and do the opposite of what we feel makes...
PENN JILLETTE
Every nut who kills people has a Bible lying around.
PENN JILLETTE
If I had to imagine omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent power in the universe that chose to make my ...
PENN JILLETTE
Magic is the Special Olympics of entertainment.
PENN JILLETTE
If there are two things Penn & Teller stand for, it's the truth & lying, although not ne...
PENN JILLETTE
I'm a big fan of huge populations of people, so you'd think with 300 million people in the c...
PENN JILLETTE
Nobody that has seen a baby born can believe in god for a second. When you see your child born, and ...
PENN JILLETTE
The vast majority of people who have mental illness problems never hurt anybody.
PENN JILLETTE
A two-party system is way too good for those two parties.
PENN JILLETTE
My body really, really wanted to reproduce when I was 15. It took a lot of civilization, socializati...
PENN JILLETTE
For better or worse, in the 21st century, reality shows are the variety show.
PENN JILLETTE
Teller and I worked Renaissance Festivals and street performing - actually more real, no kidding aro...
PENN JILLETTE
One of the things that Teller and I are obsessed with, one of the reasons that we're in magic, i...
PENN JILLETTE
One of the things that Teller and I are obsessed with, one of the reasons that we're in magic, i...
PENN JILLETTE
I've been fired from a situational comedy with a script they wrote specifically for me because o...
PENN JILLETTE
The definition of a stupid thing is something that if you do everything right, you still get hurt. F...
PENN JILLETTE
If I were trying to avoid embarrassment, I wouldn't have stumbled my way through 'Dancing wi...
PENN JILLETTE
I'm really happy with all the art that was inspired by religion, and I think I'd be tickled ...
PENN JILLETTE
Showbiz is just there to give people something to talk about.
PENN JILLETTE
We'll be working on it forever.
PENN JILLETTE
For us to make any sort of statement that our artistic expression is being trounced would be self-se...
PENN JILLETTE
At least it's showing that words have power.
PENN JILLETTE
I have never heard her say 'hell' or 'damn,' ... She's not coming.
PENN JILLETTE
The thing was, I have a very good job; he has a very good job,
PENN JILLETTE
To drive a car in rural America is freedom. Before I had a car, I'd never seen a rock and roll s...
PENN JILLETTE
We are only here for a little while, and our bodies belong to ourselves and no one else.
PENN JILLETTE
You don’t have to be brave or a saint, a martyr, or even very smart to be an atheist. All you have...
PENN JILLETTE
Better to be uneducated than educated by your government.
PENN JILLETTE
I'm a hardcore libertarian - I want everything legal - but I also believe that you have the righ...
PENN JILLETTE
Photographing a cake can be art.
IRVING PENN
In many ways, I feel like having the opportunity to play Gogol in 'The Namesake' really was ...
KAL PENN
My folks are in Jersey. And I have a lot of friends and other family there. So, I try to visit as mu...
KAL PENN
I'm also politically independent so I'm not a fan of either the Democrats in Congress or the...
KAL PENN
I've tried a few times to depart from what I know I can do, and I've failed. I've tried ...
IRVING PENN
Over the years I must have spent thousands of hours silently brushing on the liquid coatings, prepar...
IRVING PENN
A beautiful print is a thing in itself, not just a halfway house on the way to the page.
IRVING PENN
I am a professional photographer because it is the best way I know to earn the money I require to ta...
IRVING PENN
Liberman said to me, 'I must cut back on the work you do for Vogue. The editors don't like i...
IRVING PENN
I feed on art more than I ever do on photographs. I can admire photography, but I wouldn't go to...
IRVING PENN
I have always stood in awe of the camera. I recognize it for the instrument it is, part Stradivarius...
IRVING PENN
Using simple equipment and daylight alone is for me a pleasure and a replenishment.
IRVING PENN
Many photographers feel their client is the subject. My client is a woman in Kansas who reads Vogue....
IRVING PENN
The severe portrait that is not the greatest joy in the world to the subject may be enormously inter...
IRVING PENN
I can get obsessed by anything if I look at it long enough. That's the curse of being a photogra...
IRVING PENN
The water cooler conversation in every job I've had is sports, it's what did you do this wee...
KAL PENN
To the folks walking around the District of Columbia, I would say this: 'Be careful.'
KAL PENN
Cable news is more titillating to talk about who's up and who's down and all that nonsense a...
KAL PENN
I think the media loves taking the most absurd clips for a sport that has become congressional polit...
KAL PENN
What I love about L.A. and Washington, D.C. is that they're almost the opposite of each other. L...
KAL PENN
The point of serving your country is not to do your own thing or to go rogue, but to work as part of...
KAL PENN
Sense shines with a double luster when it is set in humility. An able yet humble man is a jewel wort...
WILLIAM PENN
The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.
WILLIAM PENN
In marriage do thou be wise: prefer the person before money, virtue before beauty, the mind before t...
WILLIAM PENN
Justice is the insurance which we have on our lives and property. Obedience is the premium which we ...
WILLIAM PENN
Governments, like clocks, go from the motion men give them, and as governments are made and moved by...
WILLIAM PENN
A private Life is to be preferrd; the Honour and Gain of publick Posts, bearing no proportion with t...
WILLIAM PENN
For we put the power in the people.
WILLIAM PENN
They have a Right to censure, that have a Heart to help: The rest is Cruelty, not Justice.
WILLIAM PENN
Religion it self is nothing else but Love to God and Man.
He that lives in Love lives in God, say...
WILLIAM PENN
Well, look at all of these summer blockbusters. You can't help but laugh a little, because you&#...
SEAN PENN
Time is what we want most, but... what we use worst.
WILLIAM PENN
Knowledge is the treasure, but judgment is the treasurer of the one who is wise.
WILLIAM PENN
Truth often suffers more by the heat of its defenders than from the arguments of its opposers.
WILLIAM PENN
It would be far better to be of no church than to be bitter of any.
WILLIAM PENN
A true friend unbosoms freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patient...
WILLIAM PENN
There can be no friendship where there is no freedom. Friendship loves a free air, and will not be f...
WILLIAM PENN
One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks.
JACK PENN
Much reading is an oppression of the mind, and extinguishes the natural candle, which is the reason ...
WILLIAM PENN
In marriage do thou be wise; prefer the person before money; virtue before beauty; the mind before t...
WILLIAM PENN
We've let the blade of our innocence dull over time, and it's only in innocence that you fin...
SEAN PENN
Men must be governed by God, or they will be ruled by tyrants.
WILLIAM PENN
Method goes far to prevent trouble in business: for it makes the task easy, hinders confusion, saves...
WILLIAM PENN
We are apt to love praise, but not deserve it. But if we would deserve it, we must love virtue more ...
WILLIAM PENN
When everything gets answered, it's fake.
SEAN PENN
Time is what we want most,but what we use worst.
WILLIAM PENN
Passion is the mob of the man, that commits a riot upon his reason.
WILLIAM PENN
No pain, no palm; no thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory; no cross, no crown.
WILLIAM PENN
Some are so very studious of learning what was done by the ancients that they know not how to live w...
WILLIAM PENN
Nothing does reason more right, than the coolness of those that offer it: For Truth often suffers mo...
WILLIAM PENN
All excess is ill, but drunkenness is of the worst sort. It spoils health, dismounts the mind, and u...
WILLIAM PENN
Only trust thyself, and another shall not betray thee.
WILLIAM PENN
No man is fit to command another that cannot command himself.
WILLIAM PENN
To be like Christ is to be a Christian.
WILLIAM PENN
The tallest trees are most in the power of the winds, and ambitious men of the blasts of fortune.
WILLIAM PENN
If thou wouldn't conquer thy weakness thou must not gratify it.
WILLIAM PENN
Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
WILLIAM PENN
He who is taught to live upon little owes more to his father's wisdom than he who has a great deal l...
WILLIAM PENN
Men are generally more careful of the breed of their horses and dogs than of their children.
WILLIAM PENN
I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness that...
WILLIAM PENN
Less judgment than wit is more sail than ballast.
WILLIAM PENN
Avoid popularity; it has many snares, and no real benefit.
WILLIAM PENN
To hazard much to get much has more of avarice than wisdom.
WILLIAM PENN
They have a right to censure that have a heart to help.
WILLIAM PENN
Always rise from the table with an appetite, and you will never sit down without one.
WILLIAM PENN
Kings in this should imitate God, their mercy should be above their works.
WILLIAM PENN
Right is right, even if everyone is against it; and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it.
WILLIAM PENN
Hasty resolutions are of the nature of vows, and to be equally avoided.
WILLIAM PENN
He that does good for good's sake seeks neither paradise nor reward, but he is sure of both in the e...
WILLIAM PENN
True silence is the rest of the mind; it is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and...
WILLIAM PENN
The public must and will be served.
WILLIAM PENN
It is the amends of a short and troublesome life, that doing good and suffering ill entitles man to ...
WILLIAM PENN
Do what good thou canst unknown, and be not vain of what ought rather to be felt than seen.
WILLIAM PENN
A wise neuter joins with neither, but uses both as his honest interest leads him.
WILLIAM PENN
Some men do as much begrudge others a good name, as they want one themselves: and perhaps that is th...
WILLIAM PENN
Avoid flatterers, for they are thieves in disguise.
WILLIAM PENN
To be a man's own fool is bad enough; but the vain man is everybody's.
WILLIAM PENN
Much reading is an oppression of the mind, and extinguishes the natural candle, which is the reaso...
WILLIAM PENN
He that has more knowledge than judgement, is made for another man's use more than his own.
WILLIAM PENN
A true friend freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defe...
WILLIAM PENN
Right is right, even if everyone is against it; and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it
WILLIAM PENN
He that does good for good's sake seeks neither paradise nor reward, but he is sure of both in the e...
WILLIAM PENN
He that lives to forever, never fears dying.
WILLIAM PENN
Speak properly, and in as few words as you can, but always plainly; for the end of speech is not ost...
WILLIAM PENN
Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.
WILLIAM PENN
For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity.
WILLIAM PENN
I'm a huge Woody Allen fan. Good movie, bad movie, it doesn't matter - I just like his movie...
SEAN PENN
Patience and Diligence, like faith, remove mountains.
WILLIAM PENN
A true friend freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defen...
WILLIAM PENN
Time is what we want most, but what we use worst.
WILLIAM PENN
Sensitive people faced with the prospect of a camera portrait put on a face they think is the one th...
IRVING PENN
Knowledge is the treasure of a wise man.
WILLIAM PENN
What I really try to do is photograph people at rest, in a state of serenity.
IRVING PENN
My dream dinner party guests would be Ethel Kennedy, Truman Capote and Hunter S. Thompson.
DYLAN PENN
Getting to wear Chanel is my version of a fairy tale. Not that I would wear it every day - my style ...
DYLAN PENN
Child-rearing is my main interest now. I'm a hands-on father.
SEAN PENN
Humility and knowledge in poor clothes excel pride and ignorance in costly attire.
WILLIAM PENN
I've always operated under the notion that audiences don't always know when they're bein...
SEAN PENN
There's a lot of mediocrity being celebrated, and a lot of wonderful stuff being ignored or disc...
SEAN PENN
Sacrificing American soldiers or innocent civilians in an unprecedented preemptive attack on a separ...
SEAN PENN
I realize I stare at everyone, especially when I'm walking down the street. I'm just a curio...
PENN BADGLEY
The Venezuelan government is required to provide diplomatic protection under the Vienna Convention o...
BRIAN PENN