between the disfigurement and the muzzle, it's nearly impossible to catch what she's saying. Always, though, while tripping and stumbling to the music, she looks out into her audience and tells the story about her mother. Most people laugh and yell for her to lift her skirts, but every so often she'll spot someone weeping and swear they can understand her every word.


David Sedaris

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I hate computers. My hatred is entrenched, and I nourish it daily. I’m comfortable with it, and no...
DAVID SEDARIS
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
DAVID SEDARIS
Each one of us is left to choose our own quality of life and take pleasure where we find it with the...
DAVID SEDARIS
Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in th...
DAVID SEDARIS
whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn ...
DAVID SEDARIS
If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?
DAVID SEDARIS
I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, "I need a letter o...
DAVID SEDARIS
I like the trail that the Internet created. For example, I was watching one of those Douglas Sirk mo...
DAVID SEDARIS
I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.
DAVID SEDARIS
I just enjoy lying on the couch and reading a magazine.
DAVID SEDARIS
My sister Tiffany told me years ago, 'You can never write about me.' Then she called six mon...
DAVID SEDARIS
Do I exaggerate? Boy, do I, and I'd do it more if I could get away with it.
DAVID SEDARIS
I always think it's a good policy to like the people who like you.
DAVID SEDARIS
But I don't distinguish between being laughed with, and laughed at. I'll take either.
DAVID SEDARIS
The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority....
DAVID SEDARIS
The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I ...
DAVID SEDARIS
Cover your glass in France or Germany --even worse, in England - and in the voice of someone who has...
DAVID SEDARIS
Like anyone nostalgic for a time he didn't live through, I chose to weed out the little inconvenienc...
DAVID SEDARIS
Don't leave a piece of jewelry at his house so you can go back and get it later; he may be with his ...
AMY SEDARIS
Sometimes losing a pet is more painful than losing a human because in the case of the pet, you were ...
AMY SEDARIS
I always liked my teachers, and I was in a lot of after-school projects. I was a Girl Scout until my...
AMY SEDARIS
My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.
AMY SEDARIS
I never really take shortcuts. I was always one of those people who, instead of cutting across someo...
AMY SEDARIS
You think in a different way when you don't have any money. The joy of poverty is that you use y...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm very domestic; I love cleaning. I love cooking. I like waiting on people. I just like to mak...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm not a good storyteller. I always think I'm going to get interrupted, or something's ...
AMY SEDARIS
People who shop in health food stores never look healthy.
AMY SEDARIS
I wouldn't call myself a shut-in. I have the ability to leave my home; I just choose not to. But...
AMY SEDARIS
I think it's still kind of weird to memorize a line, because you're supposed to 'be'...
AMY SEDARIS
More men than women like 'Strangers With Candy'. Pretty girls don't like the show. They ...
AMY SEDARIS
I like crafts that are made out of necessity because they're a little naive - you made it becaus...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm gonna do the whole bedroom in camel color - it's an old lady color.
AMY SEDARIS
If I put my mind to something, it happens. I do know that's not necessarily psychic. But I alway...
AMY SEDARIS
You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character acto...
AMY SEDARIS
Sometimes, to keep things exciting, I decorate my house as if I owned a child. I'll toss a tiny ...
AMY SEDARIS
But I always like to play ugly people who think they're pretty.
AMY SEDARIS
My father and I have a very good relationship. We always got along. But I always scold him.
AMY SEDARIS
When people tell me they are going to go scrapbooking, I say, 'Why don't you make it yoursel...
AMY SEDARIS
Books are challenging and inspirational to me.
AMY SEDARIS
I love costumes. My dream growing up was always to have my own costume and prop shop.
AMY SEDARIS
I love theatrical props: a cup filled with solid fake tea, say, or a collection of fake food, includ...
AMY SEDARIS
I like crafts that come out of poverty or necessity. There used to be hobby shops where you'd ge...
AMY SEDARIS
I like to decide the night before Thanksgiving that I'm gonna do it, and I'll see what riff ...
AMY SEDARIS
We're all used to seeing pretty people. I want to see real people.
AMY SEDARIS
My favorite things often have a story behind them and are usually handmade or discovered at a flea m...
AMY SEDARIS
I have always wanted a bunny and I'll always have a rabbit the rest of my life.
AMY SEDARIS
My characters always like themselves.
AMY SEDARIS
It's all about process to me - as long as it's fun to me, I don't care about the final product.
AMY SEDARIS
It was more of their quirky show. It was more like a cult show. The ratings weren't really that high...
AMY SEDARIS
I'm satisfied just thinking of the idea.
AMY SEDARIS
I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive.
AMY SEDARIS
I'm not a first-place person.
AMY SEDARIS
You know when you watch old movies, it's always the small parts you remember, the character actors w...
AMY SEDARIS
I always got along with all types of people - popular people as well as drug addicts.
AMY SEDARIS
It's driving me crazy! It's awful. I saw four last night during the Academy Awards. Four little baby...
AMY SEDARIS
I choose to do unattractive people, because then I can pretend they think they're attractive.
AMY SEDARIS