As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"

As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

I don't see why there should be a point where everyone decides you're too old. I'm not too old, and until I decide I'm too old I'll never be too fucking old.