A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed.

After my husband spell-checks one of my manuscripts, my editor says, 'It's been Normanized.'

That was the best ice cream soda I ever tasted.

I went and looked out my door and he's got a big old brick banging and smashing my windshield in and I opened my door and yelled at him, 'hey!' but he just looked crazy so I slammed the door and locked it, called 9-1-1 and I went for my gun.

Abbott: Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third.
Costello: That's what I want to find out.

Oh, I said 'I'm so happy, I could die.'
She said 'Drop dead,' then left with another guy.